juz bitching...

2004-01-23T09:13:00.000-08:00

It never fails to amaze me ever chinese new year how we as Singaporean Chinese youths balance tradition and change. We eat with forks and spoons with the same ease we pick up a pair of chopsticks. We gobble macdonalds, steaks and fries everyday yet still understand that reunion dinners involve fish, fa choy and other delicacies with auspicious names. And we know that if we had our way to present a meal to our parents we'll still just serve them the same fish and prawn combo. We know the purposes of vitamin c and antibotics yet at the hint of the slightest cold we reach for our pei pa kao and liang cha and wouldn't think of eating chili and curry for the next few days because they are "heaty" food. We trudge around in black all year round yet we still feel a little uneasy donning on that colour (totally) on New Year. I haven't seen a single person wearing all black through this new year. And I have this feeling that even without relatives or elders I'll still wear a hint of colour when this festival comes. We nibble on western imported snacks like pretzels and marks and spencers chips but at our tables every new year there still must be a can of pineapple tarts, love letters, peanuts and bak kwa. And those are like the basics. And we talk about non conforming and our lack for respect for tradition but would we ever turn up at a house on Chinese New Year without a pair of oranges? With fuji apples instead or a bottle of wine?

Even as we wish each other happy new year through sms and emails, the fact still remains that we are wishing others A Happy New Year, we are still partaking in this traditional chinese festival, something which links us to 3 billion ppl around the world and stakes our claim on centuries of tradition and culture. Modernization and technology may have diluted our tradition but its presence is still felt. I may not be able to celebrate chinese new year next year in Singapore as my family will be in Adelaide helping my brother start term there. But I know that no chinese new year of mine will be complete without a trip down to chinatown, visitations and lots of bak kwa and pineapple tarts. Chinese New Year will always be something this generation of Chinese youths treasure in their hearts.

2004-01-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

Nostalgia sets in with the new year.

2003-12-14T21:42:00.000-08:00

" I pass the lighted window of a shop where perfume is sold. The window is filled with pieces of coloured glass, tiny transparent bottles in delicate colours, like bits of a shattered rainbow." ~ The Glass Menagerie

Its amazing how you wake up one day and realise that someone that has always been there, at the back of your mind, someone who partaked a part of history with you, though small but significant, can disappear in one newspaper article. The death of the principal of Fairfield Methodist Primary School Mrs Tan Shook Fund and her 4 year old son shook me up last Friday morning as the first thing I heard before I was even fully awake. She was not my principal but a church friend and children's choir conductor I've knew since I was 5. As a part of the Fairfield Alumni, I was delighted when she succeeded as principal of Fairfield Pri in 2001 to signify an end to the reign of terror before that. At the back of my head, I knew my old school which I have strong attachment to is in good and responsible hands. But in one wave, 2 lives are gone. We will never know why Darryl wanted to turn back. We will never know their last thoughts.

I use to think dying was something I only watched in the news of accidents and terrorist attacks. But in the space of 4 years, i have lost 7 teachers. one of which passed away suddenly without a reason, three of which rushed back for her funeral on the ill fated MI 185 only to perish onboard. one passed away suddenly due to liver cancer (which we never knew he had cuz he was teaching till the day he passed away), one was my primary school teacher battling with breast cancer and the last was Mrs Tan whose death continued to shock many. When I look back at my secondary school life, I see one filled with laughter, passion, immaturity and fun. But behind that backdrops many assemblies with the school flag at half mast, condolence books, wreaths, counsellers and funerals.

My heart goes out for her husband Dr Terence Tan whose anguish is too unbearable for words, to her brother Silas Low who after dealing with the lost of his wife a few years ago now have to lose a sister, and to the many primary school children in Fairfield Primary who have to comprehend the abstraction of death at a tender age when it haven't even entered their spelling lists.

And to the few fuckers in my life who feel that a death of a FAIRFIELD methodist principal is still tantamount to a joke because its just fairfield, its just a neighbourhood school that never hits top 10 or even top 20, its not as if we're chinese high or RI, everyone in Fairfield can just die because we're sub human, we not smart enough and we don't contribute as much as a VS or RI boy does, Fuck Off. You know although fairfield never taught us to get 4 A's and 3 distinctions in S papers plus a place in an Ivy League university, it taught us humility, sensitivity and thankfulness, and thats more freaking important than a fucking newpaper with numbers beside each school. I spent 12 years in fairfield kindergaten, fairfield primary, fairfield secondary and fairfield church so I have every right to be protective over my school. Some people in this world need to get a life. Wait, let me rephrase, some people in VJC need to get a life.

2003-12-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

in.fin.i.tive
n.Abbr. inf. or infin

A verb form that functions as a substantive while retaining certian verbal characteristics such as modification by adverbs and that in English may be proceeded by to, as in To go willingly is to show strength or We want him to work harder, or may also occur without to, as in She had them read the letter or We may finish today.

Can some one please tell me what the hell is that about? I'm trying to find the definition of infinitive verb and the dictionary just made things a hell lot more confusing. I'm brought up by teachers who just say your arrangement of words is dependant on how right they sound in that sequence so hell, i don't know whats past participle or present subjective is!!! Lofty was right, me studying english language is suicidal. But did I heed his advice...nooooo....i went to study FRENCH...and now i have a bloody exam in 2 weeks time, I got 2 terms of notes to copy out...why??? Because i still adopt my secondary school mentality of coming to class earlier to copy homework and my JC mentality of daydreaming in class and copying other people's notes later!!! And since I do not have the privilege of having the ever conscientious Erwin Teo in the same lecture as me to slowly explain the concept of imperative...argh!!! this is so frustrating...I think i haven't been studying for a long long time thats why....sigh...

2003-11-21T01:06:00.000-08:00

It's a world of laughter
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all
There is just one moon
And one golden sun
And a smile means
Friendship to every one
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world
~It's a Small World

Just three years ago in 1999, early 2000, we could board a plane freely. We could park anywhere we want. The news was shorter. It had more good news. We knew no fear. People traveled to the US freely with no thoughts in their minds. Planes transited in Dubai with no worries. Teenagers and families planned trips to the exotic destinations like Turkey, Greece, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Bali, Medan, Manila etc. Pilgrims still made pilgrimages to Jerusalem. When there were loud noises we attributed that to balloons bursting. We walked down Orchard Rd., Mohammed Sultan, Holland Village and Clarke Quay without a care in the world. At 16, we lived in mindless utopia.

The twin towers crashed. And the world turned.

More than 10 bombs go off everyday, many of which are not too far away from us. When we hear loud explosions we immediately think terror attack. The word terrorist drips from everyone's lips and is repeated at least 20 times on any news program. We installed anti-hijacking systems, we train our pilots, our flight attendants on what to do if a terrorist wrestles control of our planes, we replace our cutlery with plastic ones, we employ terrorist experts to guard our buildings, we pass new laws to close up crowded areas and not allow cars to park along the streets, we install bomb shelters, we whack a few countries who we think have weapons of mass destruction, kill thousand of civilians, anger hundreds of extremists and split the world into two. Do we feel any safer now? Do we think world peace is ever possible again? Perhaps maybe their ammunition will run out one day? Perhaps we can all sit down on a round table and compromise on our goals and everyone waves the white flag? Maybe if we continue shooting and bombing we can destroy all of them one day than terrorism will seize? That’s the mentality Bush has.

There is really no way out. The ants’ nest has been stirred and they are pouring out by the thousands upon thousands. It’s a war of ideology and as long as the ideology stands you can never wipe it out. In the case of communism, US had a specific place and people to attack and they were contained. In the case of terrorism? Who is the terrorist? Where are they? What do they want? Why are they doing it? Is there something we can give them so that they can stop?

"Our mission in Iraq is noble and it is necessary.....we will finish the job we have begun." Mr Bush

Will it ever be finished? Will there be a single day where no one is blowing himself/herself up? Two years ago it was the US, last year it was Bali, this year it is Turkey. Who knows where tomorrow will be? Singapore, Australia, the whole freaking world?

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
Ah, peace throughout the land

(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)
I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony.

(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)
(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)
(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company
~ I'd like to Teach the World to Sing

Has Miss Universe stopped wishing for world peace? Is it no longer a practical wish? What do we tell our kids when we screen them for guns and bombs before allowing them to enter in the playpen, when we tell a teenager he can’t park next to a club, when all that is on the news are smoke and fire and bleeding faces, do we teach them to sing songs of love, and joy and peace and happiness? Or do we teach them self defense and shrewdness? Only time will tell. Best thing we can do now, is pray and pray and set our hearts ready and pray.

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world
~What a Wonderful World

2003-11-15T09:44:00.000-08:00

Grasp a strained breath of air though one nostril. Drank my cup of soya bean milk. Cuddled up with A Night without Armor.

We have been called
naive
as if it were
a dirty word
We have been called
innocent
as though with shame
our cheeks should burn
So
We visited with
the careful idols
of cynicism
to learn to sneer
and pant and walk
so as not to feel the scales
of judgement rub wrongly
But we say
some things must
remain simple
somethings must remain
untouched
and pure
lest we forget
the legacy which begot us
the health of our origins
the poetry of our fundamental selves

And so
it is to
the longing hearts we sing
rise!spread
your wings!
Let no hand
nor ill will
keep you.
~ We Have Been Called, Jewel

I've asked and it has been given. What more can I say to confirm, to question, to seek God's perfect plan for my life? The miracle has been done. The answer obvious. The mind is willing but the heart is weak. Too many what-ifs on a human's mind. Too much fear. Of loss, of isolation, of brokeness, of heartache and grief, of time wasted.

If I know I have been covered by God's perfect plan, why am I still afraid? What am I afraid of? That God may make a mistake? Am I, a mere mortal capable of making a better choice for my life?

Its easier to dwell in the past. Its easier to stay nostalgic, to live through sepia-tinted lenses, to keep looking back because it takes no initiative, courage or activity. Its easy to live in the present. Because it keeps moving. It disappears every second. Its hard to look towards the future. It takes planning. It takes wisdom. It takes guts, grace and faith.

I am young. I am childish. I'm being selfish to hold on to things that should be free.

Lord, give me courage to do the things I ought to do, give me absolute peace to know that your will is being done.

I've had enough chocolate in one day to make me sick. Kinder Bueno, Marks and Spencer's Vienese Swirls, almond crispy sticks from Lotte. Tis my recipie for a sulky cherry. Soya bean milk, Jewel's poems, alot of chocolate and a good dose of teeth brushing.

Young girls wrap themselves tightly
in bright smiles and denim,

no more patent leather
and pigtails here.

The suck on coffee,
with great indifference,
their young thighs
weapons they have cocked,
hardly comprehending
the potency which lies
in suggestion.

Tight, dark, dark blue
wrangler jeans
and lonely smiles like
latent prophecies.
~ Coffee Shop, Jewel

2003-11-11T06:26:00.000-08:00

I can safely say I've been in some weird ass situations before. Keloid scar over half my face walking around VJC through the day. Turning up in geog class with barely washed off white kabuki make up, red eyes, wet shirt and pink bra. Fishnet stockings under VJ skirt. But walking around au natural except for dead sea mud and wrapped like a mummy in cling wrap gives the word humiliating an all new meaning to it.

I've always wondered how it feels like going for a wrap. You know the type spas advocate and aunties go for. So I signed myself up for Body Countours Sea Salt detoxifying treatment. At $38 with a massage, scrub, body mask and wrap, it seemed quite a bargain.

I was ushered into a tiny room which could challenge the spaciousness of my International Hall dorm. The only piped in music were the cheena talk going on next door between 3 therapist. So I wrapped myself in fluffy towel (which was forcefully removed from me) and lay down, waiting for the ultimate pampering treatment. I'm a virgin nudist and definately not a full-blown exhibitionist. So the fact that I had to stand butt naked save for a flimsy oversized paper underwear was VERY disconcerting. The fact that a stranger was massaging me and asking if she could scrub my boobs didn't really help make this xperience any better. I closed my eyes and pretended I'm in a nude protest over the education system outside MOE.

The massage consisted of slapping oil on SELECTED parts of my body. The scrub was mildly enjoyable but I caould do better with my L'oreal scrub. The best part of it all was when she made me stand up while she slapped some grey mud looking thing all over me. The room was as cold as LT 5 during GP tests. I was in my birthday suit. Goosebumps were starting to make cracks through the caked mud. She proceeded to wrap me up, very very tightly in layers upon layers of cling wrap, the type you microwave chicken with. This definately brought back memories of me in my killer kimono. Except that at least the kimono was pink.

Upon completion with her handiwork, I had to walk through a coridoor full of therapists gossipping as I squeked (due to the plastic wrap) my way to the steam room. That is one milestone of my life. The day I walked around in cling wrap. It was a humiliating experience. I felt like a fashion victim. The fact that I coulden bent my knees thus the robot like walk didn't make it better. The fact that I couldn see where I was going cuz I didn't have my specs on made it pretty scary.

SO I sat in the steam room, barely breathing in the delicious essential oil infused steam and literally baking like a spring chicken. If I ever needed reason to be vegeterain, this has to be the main one. Even thing I touched left mud stains so people could chart my eratic movements around the tiny steam room if I had died in there.

After 10 mins of steaming, it actually got quite enjoyable. I started thinking of what sides I would taste good in. I concluded on yorkshire pudding and cranberry sauce.

15 mins later, the therapist came in to check if I was alive. I smiled at her and left her to clean the mud stained walls. I was led to the shower room where my wrap was cut and I was left to shower while the therapists beside me were discussing about some cockroach on the run in the premises.

Did I feel more liberated after my mini spa experience? Definately. I treasure my ability to take deep breaths and that it'll take some time before I'll ever experience anything that weird again.

Has anything physical changed after this wrap treatment? Ya, my skin is a slightly darker shade of grey than before. I think my arm hair got longer after being infused in nourishing mud. Either than that, no.

2003-10-26T07:57:00.000-08:00

2003-10-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

Finally had some time today to give myself a goood scrub, slough off my dead skin cells and apply that mask that have been abandoned next to the vegetal enzyme peel which was next to my wonderful grapeseed moisturizer which is now empty. Call me vain but any girl would feel instantly better after a long bath and a little pampering. I feel warm, smooth and frangrant now and slightly worried about the network of spider veins patterning my upper thighs and calf. Its been a long very tough week and in roughly 9 hours time its going to start again.

Journalism is a very stressful career. Deadlines are completely off the wall unreasonable, hours are hyper irregular and there is always something for you to do. And the biggest boo boo, restaurant owners, bar owners, sales girls, executives, PR ppl, waitresses, waiters, bartenders, managers, CEOs, humans are a bitch to talk to. You need the info now. You pursue that info now. But the other person holding on the info in a) not in b) at a meeting c) doesn't want to talk to you d) thinks the info is classified trade secret and would be worth a million if given to the FBI e) stupid.

You'll be surprise how much people don't know about the very things their careers depend on. Like what time their restaurants open. WHere their shop is located at. What they sell. What their menu is. What is their telephone number. What their email address are. What an email address is.

Me: Hi do you have an email address?
Person: Yup.
(silence)
Me: Eh..so can I have it?
Person: Yup.
Me: So it is......
Person: 41 Lorong...
Me: No no..email address!!!
Person: www._____.com
Me: Email address!!!! It has a something@something.com in it.
Person: Oh!! Eh don't have!
(click)

You'll be amaze at the amount of unnecessary info ppl put on press releases but they do not put the price of the product, where you can get this product, the address, telephone number and operating hours of the outlet.

Me: Hi can I speak to Jane regarding (subject matter).

PRO: Look if you need to find out about )subject matter), contact me straight. Why are you contacting Jane? You know you are pissing the entire office off by contacting everyone else when I'm incharge of (subject matter).

Me: Well on your press release you wrote in BLACK AND WHITE: please contact jane + tel no. for any media enquiries. So guess what, I have a media enquiry, I look at your to contact list printed in BLACK AND WHITE and I contacted Jane.

PRO: Well Charissa, as you grow up you must release that you stick to one person to contact regarding specific (subject matter). We put jane's name there cuz she's the manager so we always her name there but that doesn't mean that you should contact her.

Me in my brain but not saying it because I do not want to get my butt fried: GO LEARN HOW TO WRITE A BLOODY PRESS RELEASE BEFORE YOU JOIN PR BITCH!!!

And alas I'm grumpy, moody, bitchy, irritated, bitter and depress cuz I face "stupid" ppl everyday.

Classic example number 3:
Me: Hi what does this do? (me holding out a bottle with the word moisturizer on it asking if there is any other miraculous powers this unreasonably expensive jar of oil may contain)

Salesgirl (stares hard and long at the label): Its a moisturizer mdm. It makes your skin soft.

Me (in my mind): Whoa you're a genius, i would have never figured that one out myself though its printed in bold across the front of the bottle.

So I may add, I shall attempt next week to breathe in and out and count to 10 and not make cynical remarks and critical judgements or roll my eyes at ppl who piss me off. My blood pressure is rising, my heart is beating faster but I shall relax and take things easy and not get so easily worked up at the slightest thing like the irritaiting call waiting tunes.

SIA: Thank you for calling Singapore International Airlines. All our operators are busy at the moment. Your call is important to us. Please dial the extension of the person you need to speak to or call back later. Thank you.
(Slow inspirational continues)

Now if I knew the extension of the person I want to speak to I would have just dialled in in the first place wouldn't I. But no I'm not doing that cuz I just happen to have a fetish for call waiting tunes!!!

Back to the part about me calming down. Tis it shall be my aim for the week, to smile at everyone, to chat with everyone and to stop slamming down the phone on everyone.

2003-10-18T05:04:00.000-07:00

I was just musing one day and I think its so amazing how much we trust others with our life.

We trust the bus driver not to fall asleep while they drive.
We trust the taxi driver actually has a driver's license and isn't a crook who stole a taxi to make some money.
We trust the pilot is not a suicidal sadist.
We trust the no one is drinking and driving on the road.
We trust the hawker has washed his hands after visiting the toilet five minutes ago.
We trust the waiter did not mistake the detergent for vinegar.
We trust the cook doesn't have SARS.
We trust the dish washer did wash the dishes with CLEAN water.
We trust the last person we shook hands with wiped his hands after blowing his nose.
We trust that the construction firm who build our flat remembered to install the lightning rod. And dig a really deep foundation.
We trust the dentist will pull out the right teeth.
We trust our credit card numbers with others.
We trust our cars with the valet service.
We trust the bank with our money.
We trust our maids with our children.
We trust the person we sit next to us on the bus does not carry a knife and is a hijacker.
We trust that doctors are giving us the right medicine for the right sickness bought from the right dealer and made with the right ingredients and that no one was trying to cut cost in between.
We trust the government with our CPF.
We trust America who owns most of the military weapons on planet earth and who has exercised the right to use those weapons throughout history not to blow us up. But we don't trust Iraq, Iran and North Korea.

Life..it sure is weird...watch Bowling for Columbine..its an awesome documentary!!

2003-10-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

How do you tell an altustic mentally injured 10 year old child what is death?

Miran:Where is nai nai?
Me:She passed away.
Miran: What is passed away?
Me: Means she died.
Miran: What is died?
Me: Thats when you go to heaven to be with God.
Miran: WHere is heaven.
Me: It could be anywhere, maybe its up there.
Miran: How is nai nai going to go to heaven?
Me: Jesus will bring her there or maybe one of the angels.
Miran: But she can't fly. And her body is still here.
Me: SHe doesn't have to. Her soul leaves the body and it goes up to be with God.
Miran: What is soul?
Me: (stumped) Its...its..
Miran: Why isn't nai nai coming to eat with us?
Me: Because when people die they can't eat
Miran: What is die?
Me: Its like a long long sleep but they never wake up in this world again.
Miran: I want to die too.
Me: Its not up to us. God decides when to take us.
Miran: Will we all die?
Me: Yes we will at different points of time.
(silence)
Me: You want to see her for the last time?
Miran: No I don't want to disturb her sleep. She will wake up one day.

There is enough philosophy learnt when speaking to a child than can ever be grasp in a philosophy class. Can death be explained? I believe it can't. Cuz if after death there are no words than no words can describe death. I'm glad I know where i'm headed and I'm glad I know where my beloved grandmother is.

My tribute (written for my mum who read it out on the 2nd service of the wake)
To some of us she was called nai nai, to others mother, to some Ah Ma or Li ping Jie. However we are related to Loh Li Peng, we have gather here today to remember the life of this lady, who although was weak in the body, never allowed her soul to succumb to the torment f her illness.

Born in 1929 with only a few years of education, my mother led a life of an ordinary housewife. She got married, had 6 children who she brought up till this day. What i remembered most fondly till tis day was the fried bee hoon and red bean soup she cooked every sat. An ordinary feast i looked forward to after our school activities every saturday.

But God NEVER forgets the life of the ordinary. when I became a christian in the early 70s, I had the opportunity to bring her to Billy Graham's crusade. A womanwith the faith of a mustard seed, she accepted the Lord at the very first time she was exposed to the Gospel. Armed with only the redemption message of the Bible, she started attending China Evangelism Fellowship and its Bible study faithfully.

As qith all families, her children grew up, got married and started working. Her household grew even quieter with thie demise of her husband 8 years ago. Besides my elder brother who was staying with her, I sense her loneliness. I encouraged her to be more active in Church and she did! Using all the strength she had left, she attended a senior fellowship at St Andrew's Cathedral and later transfered her membership to Pentesost Methodist Church.

In April this year, she found out she had rectum cancer and had to go through an operation in East shore hospital. Even through this calamity, the Lord continued to accompany her every step of the way. She was provided with a womderful surgeon and caring members from Pentecostal Methodist Church Mandarin Servcice and Riverlife Christian Church. Many thanks to those eho supported and prayed for her being a source of joy to her.

The Lord continues to provide for her even through this time of trial. He provided her with such a wonderful maid who made her happy inspite of the pain. Thank yu umi for being with my mum throughout the last days of her life.

Even as her body grew weaker and weaker with each passing day, her spirit remained strong in the Lord. SHe knew where she was going when the road ends. She knew that her Lord was waiting in a place where all suffering and pain will be gone. Through her pain, she could still muster up enough strength to wheel herself to church and testify beforea congregation of strangers. SHe could still sing each hymn and finish each prayer with a resounding Amen.

She left peacefully to be with the Lord on Monday afternoon 1.45 pm. Even though we miss her dearly and are sadden by the fact that we have lost a mother, we are enlighted that she no longer suffers but is smiling down at us in heaven, a place of eternal happiness.

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no eveil, for thou art with me and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." My mother lived her life and died believieng this verse.

I use to think living for God, living a life only for God was to trek throug the forest in some unreached people group in eastern china and hold rallies where we save thousands of people and than get tracked down by the communist goverment get tortued shot in the head and die a matry. My whole perspective changed in the last two weeks. You don;t have to be educated, influential, strong and armed with the ability to memorize the old and new testamony backwards which you will preach to your captors as they whip you. The most touching life changing thing I have ever seen was my grandmother lying so weak in bed 2 days before she passed away with morphine running through her blood via an inserted needle pump, so weak she can't swallow thus can't eat and so weak she doesn't have the strength to open her eyes. Yet when she was prayed for my the church elders at the end of the prayer she mustered up all the energy she can ever have to last her through her life and said an AMEN so loudly it will put all of us to shame at the way we meekly whisper ours.

That is living for Jesus. Sure the Eastern China thing would be a real great harvest but sometimes we forget that the most ordinary actions we do have extraordinary impacts. A friend of hers is cripped and teetering 80, had 2 heart ops and a stroke but she walks for 2 hours from her house to my grandmas just to see her. ANd even at the wake she sat there testifying for God. Living for God means no excuses. It takes whatever energy strength you have and use it in his name. and God sees. It really puts me to shame. I have 2 legs and I arrive at church late. And I don't even have an excuse.

No one has an excuse that they are too normal, too illetrate too stupid too uncharismatic too busy too worldly too unsymphatetic, too timid too academic, too smart too scared and too ordinary to lead a life for God. I'v been hiding behind too many excuses. Being a Christian doesn;t mean no sickness no death no pitfalls no failures no setbacks no disppointment no anger n depression no sin. It just means Jesus walks with us through it. It just means I have a reason to live through it and than use it for my testimony.

I've learnt so much through the last few weeks. Peter was a betrayer, Mary was a prostitute, Jonah was a weak indecisive timid dude who spent some time in a whale,David was an adulterer, Paul was a chauvinistic puritant, Thomas was doubting, Job had sores, the leper had leposey and Lazurus was dead. Yet they all made it into the Bible. It doesn't take perfection to be a good Christian or a Christian at all. As long as you try, He knows and He's happy.

2003-06-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

Hi bloggie woogie!! Haven't seen you for a long long time!! *strokes computer screen affectionately*

Let me tell you what I'm very excited about...the new NE MRT line! It has definately changed the way I travel around SIngapore.

Why 3 Cheers for SMRT:
1) I have an MRT station within 10 min bus ride from my house and 15 min away from Holland V. The all new swanky HabourFront Station! Look, I stay along the bloody AYE, there is only 1 bloody road which is the expressway that leads to my house.

2) Its cuts down travelling time to rehearsal venue by 4 stops. Thats 10 min saved in time. I can now beat shah there!

3) It now takes 12 min to get to Orchard by train alone . Now how funky is that yeah!!

4) Train to Clarke Quay. 2 stops. 5 min. Hellooooo night life.

5) 1 stop to chinatown and 4 stops to Little India. My favourite shopping kickouts in SIngapore.

6) I can visit Kerri at the other side of the island now in less than 1 hr. Helloooo Kerri. *waves*

7) Futuristic space shuttle looking train. I can now play make believe on my shorter train rides.

8) Chairs of my favourite colours. Periwinkle blue and peach. I''m a spring person so these go better w my colouring than bright orange.

9) The MRT windows are convex. For 20 min of my life I actually have infinately long legs!!

10) People who live near Malaysia...you no longer have any excuse not to visit me in the west!

11) But what really really makes this new MRT line the most kick-ass thing the goverment has ever provided for me besides subsidised education, HDB flat, national defense and street lighting is that now I can visit my darling in 27 mins sans expensive taxi fee. Say hello to the new direct connection between HabourFront and Kovan!! Its easy, its fast and its right at his doorstep. Ok maybe 10 mins walk away from his door step. With just 9 stops between us, LTA has revolutionize our relationship. I think I'll hold my wedding on the new train, whatcha think yeah?!!? Hey it usually takes 1 and a half hours to get to his place loh!

Thank goodness I'v decided to defer my uni entry date to Feb 2004. Now I have 7.5 months to fully enjoy the wonders of SMRT's North East Line!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-05-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Can hardly believed I went thru a dental op without preparing today

"You have (some chim disease I couldn remember)! The sac of pus and blood has to be removed"

She jabbed a huge needle into my mouth (I tried not to look at it), gave me a cool contraption that looks lke googles but actually has an inbuilt VCD screen in it so I could watch jLo shake her ass while my mouth gets bloodied up. 3 shots of anethesia, lots of drilling cutting and draining later I was out slightly dazed but still in one piece.

Next stop is a two hour op to remove wisdom teeth which is the whole root of my problem from the beginning.

Gonna use my sore mouth as a reason for leave tom. I feel so bloody tired. 6 days a week its work from 9-6pm. Rehearsal or comp course from 7-10pm. Reach home 11 plus. Sleep. The next day repeats itself again. I dunno how I'm gonna see thru the next few months.

2003-04-30T10:31:00.000-07:00

I believe when you say "I do!" it really means "I will try!"

To see your flaws and not judge.
To believe in you even when you are failing.
To hate you yet not change you.
To keep silent even when you do not reach my expectations.
To smile when you are grumpy.
To be energetic when you are tired.
To emphatize with you yet not be influenced by your moods.
To be connected yet detached.
To support you even when I do not believe in your cause.
To sit thru the sunshines, the rainbows, the drizzles, the thunderstorms and the blizzards and to hold an umbrella over you.
To be bare, empty and naked before you whilst risking your judgement.
To be honest yet tactful.
To be encouraging yet true.
To be vulnerable yet strong.
To be dependent yet independent.
To do all of the above yet not expect you to return any of those favours.

Love itself is a contradiction. Perhaps we can only try to love and not to love because how can we love perfectly and purely when we ourselves are not perfect and pure. Only God can do that. Humans fail. We fail. Love fails.

I am trying. I am struggling. I am failing and I am suceeding.

It just never seems enough to just try sometimes.

Like Kerri said " Sometimes we are too busy looking at the holes in the tapestry that we fail to see the designs on it"

Thank you Father for giving me someone so beautiful and kind, so wholesome and pure, so innocent and true, so faithful and loyal, so raw and loving, so simple and earnest. Most importantly Thank you for giving me someone who loves you so much. Amen.

I am going to start looking at the process instead of the result. Cuz at the end of the day isn't that what love is about. Just another process with no results attached to it. It isn't a compulsory feeling. It cannot be achieved or measured in grades and marks and quantity. Its just a journey you take with a person starting nowhere and ending nowhere. I want to take that journey with him. It may be just a 1 year journey, a 5 year journey or a journey where death goal post its transition. It may be a happy journey or one riddled with anguish and saddness. It may be cut short anytime by a drunk driver, a wrong step or a stray bullet. But at least I know out there somewhere somehow, there is another human being who has allowed me to walk a few steps of his life with him and beside him. At least I know that when I turn back to see the footprints in the sand, I see 3 pairs of prints, 2 being ephemeral and 1 from their creator.

2003-04-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

""Which cocktail are you?""
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

I can finally put into words why I made that 360 deg turn to take away theatre as an career option. I finally understooded (bad eng) myself.

Theatre is my passion. Its part of me.I wouldn't say that it is my life, but it comes pretty close to that in terms of ranking. After God, Family,boyfriend and friends is theatre. It runs thru my mind pretty often.I love theatre. Alot.

Because I love it so much, if I were to make it my job job kinda job and i don't become successful (defination: earn the respect as an artiste by ppl in the industry which is one of the hardest things to attain) I will be very very pissed with myself. I will feel intense pressure to perfect it. To make every show i do as perfect as possible. And we all know tht there is no such thing as a perfect art. ppl will talk about it. ppl will talk. ppl have views.Human beings are harsh critics. I'll drive myself nuts over it.
In short I will not be able to disengage my real life from work.

I guess thats why i decided to take up communication studies. So that i will not feel so pressurized to do theatre as a career but rather at a freelance level. AT that level i know that even if i sux, it doesn't matter tht much to me because it isn't my entire life. I always have that excuse that it isn't my career .

But than again maybe one day il change....oh well...

To Do:
1) Call Hanan, Hannah, Kerri, Sian Yan and Aileen about ushering thing by Sun
2) Call all ushers by Mon
3) Prepare for interview by Wed
4) Email Sharon by Sun
5) Do signage with Daf lim by mon
6) Research on play and meet cdc grp by mon
7) call natelie by mon
8) practise my favourite things by next sat
9) call claire by mon
10) Make usher list by now

2003-04-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

My Mum thinks im a perfectionist. Well considering that half my bed is covered with icky germ ridden clothes and my most probable way of contracting Sars is thru the genetic mutations happeing in my room....i serious dun think so.

>" No...not that kind of perfection....as in you expect your world to turn out the way you want it to be...not considering the fact that in life..most of the time it doesn't happen"

Well true. My perfect Hall of Residence is:
1) Nice Friendly People who like me
2) Preferbaly not extremely dense
3) Dun wan too smart and chim also
4)Must like drama
5) Fun loving as in not complete nerds
6) But also not so happening that il get influence to party till the night of my finals
7) in summary like studying but dun like it that much
8) Have cool fashion sense so can go shopping with me
9) Not too tall but not midgets either...a hall of people roughly averaging 153.2 cm would be ideal
10) equal mix of boys and girls
11) Nice victorian looking building ...not too modern but not like hauntedly ghotic...like goodness knows who has used my room before
12) Big big big room
13) Very good food..I wan great tasting gourmet dinners ...throw in laksa, nasi lemak and lontong every once a week and il be a happy gal
14) near uni mel so i can wake up 5 min before lec and run to school whilst brushing my teeth
15) But also near the cbd so i can go shopping and watch plays
16) Must have a kitchennette
17) SIngle Sex toilets. Can you imagine bathing next to some sex crazed freako with a dick... (sorry guys..)
18) In my room i want a computer, a tv, a cd player, a rice cooker, a microwave oven, an oven etc etc
19) PINK ROOMS!!!
blah blah blah and the list goes on and on and on....

ok...so im just slightly confused and i got my priorities mixed up. But there are seriously too many decisions to make. I want to go Queen's cuz its Methodist and the building looks like the White house and the chapel is so pretty......but i wanna go Ormand cuz the building is magnificiant....and I wanna go Trininty cuz well...its Trinity....i wanna go international house cuz than i wont be faced with potential Ku Klux Klanners there....but if i want to stay in a house full of Singaporeans i might as well dun go right...i wanna go Janet Clarke cuz its all female but yet i dun want to go Janet Clarke cuz its all female.....in a small house full o females you either be happily chumy or plain bitchy.But all girls house the chances of pink rooms higher la.... Aiyah...so tiring la....

And than after accomodation comes the part which is: WHEN do I go?

Why go in Jul:
1) Cuz im very very bored now
2) excited to start studying what i wanna study
3) Smaller intake so its more personal
4) With the continual Sars situationa and economic down turn, the chances of me finding a meaningful job is quite slim
5) I dun wanna waste 9 months doing nothing, i have enough time to get pregnant and have a kid loh
6) I dun wanna lose interest in studying
7) Parents rather me go here

Why go next year Feb:
1) Cuz i wanna spend more time with Erwin and go for his commissioning parade
2) Cuz im doing a musical with SRT and i think its gd experience
3) Cuz i MIGHT be able to find something meaningful to do and get to do what i wanna do but will not have the chance to do when i come out from uni eg things like magazine internships and drama teaching
4) Cuz the Feb intake is larger, il get to know more ppl, evryone enters together into the hall of residence so its kinda like we are in it together
5) Some hall of residence have no mid intake orientation programme or welcome
6) Assuming I study in Aus for 4 yrs

Feb 2004-Feb 2007 - Cherry uni

June 2005- June 2008 - Erwin uni

Difference in our graduation timeing is 6 mths...i wait 6 mths and than we can go do Masters together

Its not long enough for me to need to get a job..not like 1 year difference...

Sigh...so much to think about...oh if i go there im gonna take French Culture and lang, Psychology, Theatre, Antropology and Linguistics as my minors.

But yet im scared of many things...what if i can;t make friends, what if i cant catch their accent..what if wht if....

" Oei, you going Melbourne like East Republic of Russia leh...down there like 2nd SIngapore one... everywhere you tuen sure see Singaporean wan...relac la.."

Make point number 7 of why i should go in July : To contain further paranoia about the future...if im in the future i can't be paranoid about it can i....

2003-04-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

Atelophobia
The fear of imperfection.

Its never gonna end is it.

The endless shopping trips, buying racks after racks of clothes which you will never wear.

Lipsticks. Lip gloss. Mascara. Foundation. Powder. Blusher. Eye shadow. Eyeliner. Glitter.
Why are you afraid to show the world your nudity?

Spa Therapy. Tea Therapy. Food Therapy. Aromatherapy. Retail Therapy.
Why doesn't it work?

Braces. Diets. Work outs. waxing. Shaving. Plucking.
Hair cuts. Hair dyes.Long. Short. Straight. Permed. Coloured.
When are you gonna be satisfied?

Never.
Everyday I look in to the mirror and everyday its the same old shattered self.

I wished you loved me at a superficial level. I wished you loved a Cherry doll instead of Charissa. Its easier to paint my face tie pig tails and wear a short skirt than be myself. Its easier to just smile than to cry. I just have to live up to a condition. I want to live up to my illusion on what would make you happy. On what would make myself happy than to live up to my own reality.Just let me be a painted corpse.

Yet you chose to search deeper. You choose to love a soul. And i dun understand why.

Crooked stained teeth.
Fat nose.
Twisted lips.
Blocked pores.
Black heads.
Messy Eyebrows.
Eye Bags.
Dead Eyes.
Round face.
In grown hair.
Un symmetrical features.
Rough Skin.
Frizzy hair.
Short.
Stumpy.
Gross.

I'm obsess with imperfection.I'm obsess with my own imperfection.
I wished I was made of glass. Than I'll be non existing, cold, unchangable and perfect.
I wish I was a glass figurine in a Jason Brook picture.

Lord help me for i know that I have been blessed..yet through doubting and self criticism I have sinned.....

I wish I could just blot it out. I wish I can exist and pretend that I dun.

2003-04-02T01:19:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone!!! Below is the new project im working on for TheatreWorks as some kind of a comeback proof that I CAN DO IT!!! Yup....i am coordinating a front of house team for this cool exciting production and I hope to be able to get ppl to volunteer as ushers for this!! This production is also jointly crewed by Daphne Quah as the lights op and Angeline Tse as the Multimedia op. (sorry guys, gotta use your as publicity gimmicks). Its from the 23rd of April to the 11th of May, every week from Wed to Sun. Ushers who are able to usher for 5 shows and above will get 2 complimentary tickets. But if you can't make it for so many shows its ok, we welcome ppl who can help us for say 3 shows and you still get to watch the show free!! Yup! so if ya interested or know anyone who is interested, let me know the dates you guys are avaliable asap!!

THEATREWORKS
>presents
>pulse. i am alive. VERSIONTM theatre
>
>
>Performance: 23 April - 11 May The Black Box, Fort Canning Centre
>Wed- Sat 8pm nightly; Sun matinee 3pm
>Conceived, designed + directed by Low Kee Hong
>Starring Norlina Mohd, Nora Samosir + Karen Tan
>Written by Kaylene Tan + Paul Rae (Singapore/UK)
>Sound by Jazzkammer (Norway)
>
>Advisory: This play contains scenes and strong language which
>some members of the audience might deem objectionable.
>
>pulse is an exploration of the lives of urban women through the arts and
>sciences of bio-medical technology. By employing leading technologies in
>cardiovascular monitoring systems as part of the aesthetic and technical
>design of the show, the production signals a new genre of theatre work that
>seeks to redefine the bounds between science, art and Œlive¹ performance.
>
>pulse tempts irony. While searching for a palpable existence, the girls
>discover their sense of dislocation in their own country. They confront
>their misplaced Œselves¹ while being most at home being on the move. Yes,
>they miss the familiarity of routine, the smell of their husbands, their
>family, their favorite hawker dish, their friends, but they never ache for
>the city they remember as Œhome¹.
>
>pulse will seduce audiences into these intimate journeys of confessions,
>revelations and unspeakable desires. They will be lulled into a voyeuristic
>pleasure to confront desires of their own. Like peep show patrons consuming
>Œlive¹ performers stripping themselves bare, they confront their own states
>of loneliness, emptiness and unfulfilled wishes, wondering Œwhat if¹.
>
>The performance will have 3 versions - like listening to a record at
>different speed cycles, the different versions of the performance will be
>colored by a different pulse rate. Whether fast, slow or moderate, the
>stories, secrets and fantasies of urban women will be revealed through very
>different visceral experiences. Pick a pulse rate that appeals to you or
>one that seem to represent your lifestyle, or all 3 to get the full range of
>experience.
>
>VERSIONTM 1 (23 to 27 April 2003)
>featuring Norlina Mohd + Nora Samosir
>pulse rate: FAST
>
>VERSIONTM 2 (30 April to 4 May 2003)
>featuring Nora Samosir + Karen Tan
>pulse rate: SLOW
>
>VERSIONTM 3 (7 to 11 May 2003)
>featuring Karen Tan + Norlina Mohd
>pulse rate: MODERATE
>
>³I remember the blood rushing to my head when I felt his tongue in my mouth,
>licking the insides of my mouth. And our tongues met and did a strange and
>delicious flicking dance, circling slowly then darting around. He sucked my
>lips the upper then the lower, every so slowlyŠ I thought I was going to
>melt, I was one puddle of wet desire. Time stood still we were the only
>two hungry mouths in the world. Screw Christmas. Fuck politics. Whatever to
>the rest of the world. This went on for hours. Gimme more.²
>
>
>TICKETING INFORMATION
>$28 per ticket (single pass)
>Package A: 1 ticket for each of the 2 different versions (1+2/1+3/2+3): $50
>Package B: 1 ticket for each of the 3 different versions (1+2+3): $66
>
> pulse VERSIONTM installation
>conceived + designed by Low Kee Hong
>in collaboration with George Chua + Yuen Chee Wai
>Medical consultant: Dr. Chandana Samaranayake
>
>Exhibition dates: 29 March to 13 April 2003
> (28 March 7.30-9.30pm ~ By invitation only)
> TheatreWorks (Singapore) Ltd, The Black Box
>
> Tuesday Friday: 12noon to 8pm
> Saturday Sunday: 10am to 8pm
> Closed on Mondays
> Free Admission
>
>pulse VERSIONTM installation is an eight-minute joy ride of light, sound +
>video that will set your pulses racing. Set in a black box with a visual
>island, get ready to trip out with us. As you experience the journey, have
>your electrocardiogram (ECG) taken and literally contribute your pulse to
>the sound design of pulse VERSIONTM theatre opening 23rd April 2003.
>WARNING: Pregnant women and individuals with heart conditions please seek
>medical advise before consuming this installation.
>
>
>pulse VERSIONTM Club 26 April + 3 May 2003.
>
>Featuring Jazzkammer (SmallTownSuperSound)
>
>The Black Box + Fort Canning Courtyard. 10.30pm onwards.
>Tickets at $10 and $5 (for those with ticket stubs to pulse.VERSIONTM
>theatre) available at the door.
>Call TheatreWorks at 63384077 for further information.
>
>Jazzkammer will spin 2 sets each night. One as Jazzkammer and another a
>solo set featuring Lasse Marhaug and John Hegre. Jazzkammer will also be
>giving a talk to students on their brand of noise music on 25 April 4pm at
>The Black Box, TheatreWorks (Singapore) Ltd.
>
>Jazzkammer is Lasse Marhaug + John Hegre.
>
>The Norwegians have since 1998 produced their own brand of northern
>electronica-glitch-lowercase-noise music under the name Jazzkammer. The duo
>combines everything from location recordings and sine waves to turntabelism
>and guitar freak-outs in their music. Not caring much for the limited world
>of melody or rhythm, the Jazzkammer experience is all about texture, pulse
>and timbres.
>
>"Šliberated sound this well crafted requires no further explanation" (Julian
>Cowley, THE WIRE)
>
>³..oddly exhilerating² (NME)

2003-03-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

How Do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints -- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)

2003-03-21T09:44:00.000-08:00

Scream.Scream.Scream. Scream.Scream. Scream. Scream.

Its 12.54 am. I feel a little tipsy. I feel a little funny. I feel a little churny. I feel a little blurry. I feel a little sleepy. I feel a little dirty. I feel a little slimy. I feel a little disgusty. I feel a little whoosy.I feel a little beary. I feel a little puky.I feel a little fiery. I feel a little sleepy.

2003-03-20T20:33:00.000-08:00

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

2003-03-20T20:31:00.000-08:00

Smile.
Laugh.
Talk.
Smile.
Laugh.
Spit.
Smile.
Splatter.
Laugh.
Splutter.
Ask.
Move.
Smile.
Confide.
Comfort.
Share.
Embrace.
Kiss.
Smile.
Laugh.
Touch.
Speak.
Leave.
Spoke.
Leave Further.
Spoken.
Drift.

Silence.

Walk.
Jog.
Run.
Race.
Sprint.
Shoot.
Chase.

Silence.

Cry.
Yelp.
Shout.
Scream.
Thunder.
Reverberate.

Silence.

Tear.

Silence.

Tearing.

Silence.

Torn.

Game Over.

2003-03-16T07:56:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Erwin!
Happy Birthday Erwin!
Happy Birthday Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday Erwin!

Had a great time yesterday...took erwin to Black Angus steak house where we gorged on steak potato and more steak! The waiters were suppose to come out in a troop sing a birthday song and present a cake with candles on it to a red erwin...unfortunateky they forgot about...despite my try- to -be -subtle winks to the passing waiters and mouthing "NOW!! NOW!!" ...they thought i was some sex-crazed diner with the hots for them. Despite that it was great...the beef was good though i think its poisonous cuz we both have been shitting non-stop after that....of course it would mean that erwin turned lactose intolerant too....though i seriously doubt it....heh...than we headed back home and i presented the presents to him...in chronological order we have:

1) Myself. top prizes for guessing what that could be!!
2) a jar of brownies. (ok there is a long sad story behind this jar of brownies. The bowl i dumped the flour in was too small for it so half of it spilt on to the floor. Using the remaining flour, i added oil which spilled to the floor...and eggs...which i cracked open and the shell went into the batter and the egg when on to the floor. So i mixed everything unglamly in a saucepan and put in the oven. It was suppose to take 20-30min. After 1 hr and 20 min it was still not baked yet. What i didnt know about my oven was that the back is way hotter than the front. The back half of the brownie was charcoal burnt and the front was not cooked yet. Well i topped it with mashmellows and put it in the fridge to er...conglomerate.The best part is ....its Betty Crockers Brownie Mix. Its idiot proof. Its suppose to be idiot proof)
3) A cool WWE Stone Cold and Rock figurine in stunner position....damm cool
4) The actual play size Ring of WWE...th same thing with the bouncy side thingies where those strange ppl do strange things on like hurl themselves toward it to bouce to the other side.
4) A Camo army condom. Actual caption on it "Don't let them see you coming!"

It was a fairly amusing day.

2003-03-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

Eponine - On My Own
EPONINE
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

"I want you to go..there is no place here for you...yet......yet....I love you.."

I'm afraid to leave.I'm afraid of losing the one person that stops me from making an immediate decision. I'm afraid that these 9 months will be just another empty memory. I'm afraid of losing him as a human being. I'm afraid of returning one day to emptiness. To just polite talk, a cold embrace and than nothingness. Nothing else we share. Each living in a different world we cannot comprehend. I'm afriad of losing that part of my heart than knows how to love, that chooses to love, that is able to love someone so dearly, someone so beautiful, so kind, so perfect. I have no faith in long distance relationships. I know us too well to believe it will work out. I cannot let go. This was not meant to be just puppy love. This was not meant to be just a passing moment. I was suppose to live my life with him. I want to live my life with him. Everyday I wonder, how long more. How long before this dream will be over. How long more before i stand at the airport gate and turn my back towards a part of me. And slowly see it rot away and wither. How long more before the last kiss will mark a finale.

4 years is too long.

Yet, there is no place here for me. I am afraid of turning apathetic. I am afraid of being myopic. I am afraid of compromising on myself in order to find a place in society. I am afraid of losing passion and zest for life to turn it into a mindless search for fortune. I am too comfortable here. I am too complacent. I feel claustrophobic. I feel mindlessly bored. I feel as if orchard road is within reaching distance. I can't study Communication in a country which censors its own newspaper. I know I cant stay.

Yet I am afraid of leaving.

" We are afraid both of you will break up. Its hard to find a good man. Its even harder to find one which your father and I like. Treasure him."

Where does my priority stand? I'm so confused. How can I be ask to know what do I want in life? Both, I want the best of both worlds. I don't know. I really don't know.

2003-03-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

The Rainbow Connection from The Muppet Movie
Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

2003-02-27T05:14:00.000-08:00

Haha...just realised that what Ms poon said is true...the bosses might read my blog since i did access into it once when i was in the office.....oh well....snip snip time....i shall self censor my blog....dont wanna be condemn before i even step out to work......okie...done!!
I have destroyed all incriminating evidence against myself!!!

Anyway...spent most parts of the day giving myself a facial. A Cherry facial care treatment.

Cherry's 5- step facial treatment program:
1) Wash with Origin's deep cleansing clay cleanser. Contains clay to purge skin of impurities and ylang-ylang which sooths.
2) Scrubbed using some cool self warming scrub.
3) Mask with Sauna Masque. Its a self-heating theraphy clay mask that warms to wet skin. Rinse off with cold water.
4) Make Chamomile tea. Soak cotton pads in cool tea and place over eyes. This treatment relieves tired eyes.
5)Tone and moisturize with SkII facial essence. Contains Perterin which nourishes the skin.

Sigh.....do you feel like a lady now....a quick escape into a few hours of tai- tai-dom!!

Alternatively if you wanna go the natural way, a cheap alternative to The Body Shop, ya can try a cucumber-tomato toner for oily skin. Made from a combination of cucumber, tomato and volka blended until smooth. Or you can try the papaya mask for oily skin. Made by smashing and mixing a papaya, egg white and honey together. May have a slightly unpleasant smell. Anyone who have tried it please let me know if it works cuz i'll need a alot alot of evidence that this thing doesn't have permanent side effects before I will even think of putting papaya on my face. Haha...but try to stay away from the ants...haha....

2003-02-22T09:57:00.000-08:00

To you:

The world is full of fuck. The world is unfair. Nobody ever said it wasn't. nobody ever said it was perfect. Why should133 people die on a normal day to work just because some mad man decided to light the place up?

Why should a little girl who is waiting for her daddy to come home from work, who is so innocent and who has her entire life beautifully hoped for infront of her have to see the burnt, charred remains of a man she loves so dearly?

Why should a woman who have just married the love of her life, this perfect dream man, her soulmate, who thought that life is perfect for her have to be at the moturary identify her husband's body? Why?

Why does this young girl at a tender age of 6 have to be scarred permanently for life, no hope, no dreams, to live a shattered existance forever just because 6 US soldiers got a little horny one day?

Why are there so many people in the hospital strapped up to the life support machine, their fingers struggling to hold on to that last shred of life they can...but no, its taken away. Its brutally snatched away. All their childhood dreams, all their anticpiations, the life that they have build up, the memories they carry. WHat would they give just for life?

Why should a man who had both his hands and legs blasted off by a landmine, totally not his fault, have to lie on his torso for the next 60 years if his life, wheel himself around on a piece of wood with rusty wheels attached to it, to spend the rest of his living existance staring at the shoes of other people who are no more intelligent, talented or kinder than he is. Why?

Why should people in Iraq live in paralysed fear everyday, not knowing when the hour will be their last, not knowing when that face they see is their last. Not knowing if the moment they step out of their house will this be the last time they'l see their loved ones. Not knowing, just not knowing.

Have you ever lost a love one due to the sheer evilness of another human being? Have you ever lost a part of you due to someone else's careless mistake? Have you ever woken up and called "Mummy! Daddy!"and there is ringing silence. There is ringing silence on the phone. The email is blank. The letter box is empty. All you can hear in the ringing silence is your own sobs.

I haven't. And everyday it scares the hell out of me that a piece of my life will be removed.

Why?
Because He has made me whole.

Look at the world around you. Look at how whole God made you. Look at where he has placed you. Take a look at that hand which writes. The hand which is perfect.
Look at your leg now. The leg which got you through your Nafa.
Look at where you are. Look at the computer. Look at the aircon. Look at your words. Look at your grammer. Look at your ability to type. To fomulate sentences. Look at your face. Look at the perfect face you have. Look at that beauty. Look at your eyes. Look at the fact that you can look. Look at your mouth. Look at that mouth which has the ability to speak, to express, to smile, to eat, to pray, to wordship, to say amen. Look at that nose. That breathes.

2 eyes. 1 nose. 2 ears. 1 mouth. 2 hands. 10 fingers. 2 legs. 10 toes.1 face. 1brain.

So whole and still unhappy?

He has made you perfect. He created you and he said "I am pleased with my creation"

Who dares refute God's word that He is pleased. He is estatic. He loves his creation.

You can slice through that skin He has made. You can cut youself into tiny little bite size pieces. But you can never change that line
"I am pleased with MY creation"

Look at the cross. Look at the nails.Look at the nails driven through the hand and feet. Through the skin. The flesh. The vein.The tendon. Out from the tendon, the vein, the flesh, the skin. Look at the blood. Look at the whippings on his back. The whippings made by whips with iron balls attached to the end of it. Look at the torns upon his head. Pressed deep into his scalp. Have you ever pressed thorns into your head for someone. Have you ever nailed yourself for someone. Have you ever whipped yourself for someone. Someone who refuses to accept what you've sacrifice. Someone who laughs at your death at the cross.

So redeemed. So saved and still unhappy?

Before you say further, go count your blessings. Go start from the moment you are born. The fact that you were born. Go look at your cup which is overflowing with so much blessings.

But no, you choose to stare at the ficticous crack on that cup. You choose to raise it up to the whole world and yell look at this piece of shit. Look at the filth which is bubbling. Get away from me. Get away from this poison. Leave me alone. Leave me alone with this dirty cup of shit.

Why are you afraid of smiling when God has given you lips to smile?
Why are you afraid of laughing when God has given you the voice to laugh?

Sure life is full of shit. Sure life isn't one straight path where we kick our shoes back and hum down the gold plated road. Its walking through alot of shit. But it is also walking through alot of shit with a rainbow above us. It is also walking through alot of shit with friends beside us to pull us up when we sink to our knees. It is also walking through shit with a goal in mind, a mission to accomplish adn a destiny to follow.

Don't be afraid to get off the stage. Sure the actor onstage gets the attention for 1 1/2 hours. Sure the actor onstage gets his 2 mins worth of appluse. Than what happens. The audience leaves. The stage is quiet again. The actor can either choose to stay onstage, of ehich most of his time he would be lonely and quiet or he can choose to get off the stage and continue his life as an audience. To be with the crowd. To be in the crowd. To do what the crowd does. Does the actor being in the crowd makes him any less an actor than he was onstage. Does it make him less talented?? Did it remove his ability to act, to write, to emote, to express?

Don't be afraid. Don't remove yourself. Don't put yourself higher or lower than anyone.Don't be afraid to take that 1st step.

Self-pity is the inability to pity someone else.
Self-pity is the inability to say Thank You Father.
Self-pity is the inability to turn away from yourself in the mirror to look out through the window.
SELF-pity is SELFish.

You can't be jaded. You have to decide to be jaded.
You can't be depress. You have to decide to be depressed.
You can't be weak. You have to decide to be weak.

Say what you want, I believe that our heart is ruled by our head.
Why than would our head be situated physically higher than our heart?
Does it look ridiculous to you a man walking around with a giant heart on top of him and his head at his chest level?
If it does than isn't it even more ridiculous that man should lead by his heart and not his head??

2003-02-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

Maria - My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

2003-02-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

It feels so good to be at home!!! Feet on cold marble floor. Toes in carpet. Being able to hog the computer for the whole day. Eating junk food (one packet of apple chips, chocolate,nougets, cranberry juice, egg mayo) all day. Having the luxury of eating chocolate cuz you know the toilet is within a 1m radius. Flopping back to bed any time of the day. Taking inane internet quizzes. Blogging day long.Prancing around the house in your night gown and no bra. Prancing around the house with your mother with night gown and no bra. Don't need to comb hair. No make up. No contacts. Making funny animal noises all day. Talking to mum. tsking tsking at the newspaper. Getting nagged. Nagging.Actually having alot alot of outstanding things to settle but procrastinating.Thinking of the Larkin's "Toads Revisited". Looking up the classified ads.

2003-02-17T21:41:00.000-08:00

apply.psc.nac.sia.firefly.army.ntu.nus.smu.write.bristol.rhul.research.theatre.communication.business.
human resource.call.aporia.dramaplus.email.teens.teenage.cleo.seventeen.her world.schools.interview.al dente.audition.ttp.stray.treatment.hair.facial.eyebrow.course.bellydancing.srt vocal.jap.ymca.pilates.
tennis.test.basic thoery.sat.exercise.swim.jog.gym.ymca.breathe.speak.practise.Church.Bible.Pray.
Serve.pack room.cook.bake.cocktail.read.utopia.lord of the flies.euro history.time.newspaper.finish.
wuthering heights.prepare.monologue.shop.sell.teeth.teach.work.wasabi bistro.al dente.

2003-02-15T09:29:00.000-08:00

Sigh...lost my handphone today...was at ikea with erwin when i suddenly realised i dun have my handphone with me....he tried calling it back but someone off it cuz it was on the last time i was holding it...and i remember putting it into my bag...I went to the toilet after dinner and erwin helped me hold my bag, wallet and hp.....when i came out i took everything from him and stuffed my wallet and hp into my bag...perhaps it was quite near the edge of the bag so it slipped out when i was running around bouncing on beds and sofas....sigh....so ya...hp won't be back till mon when i reconnect my line again and use my bro's hp...so if ya reading this blog..do me a favour and message me your no. again....thank you!!

On a brighter note...I met the editor of Teens magazine today during the lipton ice tea road show and I asked her if i could be a writer for teens....she sounded quite interested and said she would get back to me soon...Whee....happy happy....

2003-01-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

I feel so lost....so rootedless...as if everything that I once had is gone......everything that provided me with that sense of identity, every community that i belonged to and fought for has gone and what is left is a sticky residue of bittersweet memories, slowly being washed off by the waters of time, that all is left is just the after fragrance of synthetic soap.

No Church. No youth. No cell group.
No school. No A55. No TSD. No VJC.No canteen. No CT. No snapple. No workshop. No lofty.

Church and school was where i spent most of my time for the last two years....and now its completely gone.

is it possible to just walk out of an institution, an institution ordained to be a community of believers who will uphold each other in the name of Christ, who will care for each other like flesh is to flesh and blood is to blood, which is suppose to be the place where the most vulnerable side of me SHOULD show and all defenses let down....is it possible to walk out...to disappear one day and no one notices.The emails will stream in...one month....two months...than i cease to exist anymore.

I always wonder, is it possible to just disappear and no one notices and care.

Thats why ppl need institutions to belong in.
To have a record in an institution with your name and address and email address and tel number and date of birth written on it to confirm that you are alive, breathing and intelligent enough to write down your particulars.
To be given a card or a pen or a gift as some form of visible evidence that you are part of that institution.
To have some form of contact with at least someone in that instituition to confirm your existence.
To participate in its activities so that we can confirm our continual of existance.

Because we are scared of disappearing. Of just disappearing and that is its own end. We are afraid no one is there to strike off our names from the record book. We are afraid we have no souviners to burn. We are afraid we won't have a funeral. We are afraid no one will be at the funeral. We are afraid no one will shed a tear. We are afraid that life will still continue for every living soul on earth. No one's life will come to a stand still because we play a vital role in the continuation of their survival. We are afraid time will just keep going. At least I know I am afraid.

Exactly how indispensible are we?

I'v veered so far off the track that my rootedness came from the things of the world when it should be on God. I need to go back to my original constant, my Alpha and Omega.

I feel lost. Don't know if i should take com studies or theatre? sigh sigh...suddenly i feel like just staying in Singapore and taking NTU Com Studies and doing a masters in theatre overseas. Don't want to leave my 2nd constant.....

2003-01-20T06:26:00.000-08:00

hey guys,

thanks for expressing your interest in helping us out with the play. k basically we're conducting a survey in schools to find out just how belonged students feel towards sg and the community at large, and the survey results wil be formulated into a play with a vague ending. the vague ending aims 2 promote critical thinking on issues on belonging to singapore. yup. =)

since local uni starts in mid june i guess you guys can only be free to perform in late may? (june = sch hols) anyway itz a gd time cos i think schs will be free then cos itz the post exam period so they don't mind hosting our play. it'll prolly be about 10 -- 15 min long (tentative) and then ppl will have discussions on the play later...hmm. but all this is what we came up with so far as a group. it's tentative of course -- our main concern right now is the survey.

your budget is about 1000 -- 2000 for props, lighting, costume etc and your pay of course. *grins* i guess it's up to you as to how you want to use it.

but i think i should let you all know that the play isn't 100% confirmed, because

1. MOE hasn't approved of our survey yet. no survey = no play

2. it depends on the number of schools willing to host you

otherwise it's pretty confirmed. =) we need a proposal from you (please include the names of the actresses, contact nos, level of commitment, how much you wish to be paid, some script ideas and brainstorms (it might be better for you guys to write your own play because at least it may not cause interpretation problems), how many times you wish to perform in all as a group, estimated costs, lightings, props, transportation costs (if any etc))

anyway do email me (cheemology_nonsense@yahoo.co.uk) if you have any further queries? thanks once again, hope to hear from all of you soon!

-claire

2003-01-18T23:10:00.000-08:00

typical homely conversation with erwin:

Erwin: Its eating me its eating me...i gotta kill it...im gonna eat it....yeah die you ugly bastard....you evil smelly creature....argh!! no its after me again...im gonna die...im gonna die....im gonna eat it before it eats me....die die die...yeah...no its killing me again....yES I KILLED IT!! I killed the guy who's eating me....lousy bastard...i knew i could kill it....thats for trying to eat me....Ha ha ha...I'm king of the universe!!! YEAH!!!

2003-01-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

sigh...trying to get erwin's attention from the computer game but no...he's screaming " ITS EATING ME!!!!!!"

2003-01-15T06:34:00.000-08:00

I have a wonderful love- hate relationship with my job....thinking of what makes up the ""love" part of the relationship is what keeps me going....well one of them is i picked up a couple of management mantra which are useful for life:

1) Never ask workers to do stupid things

typical conversation with Boss 1

Boss 1: Charissa, come here!!
C: Yes mdm.
B1: Photostate the entire page of the newspaper into A4 size
C: But mdm thats impossible, the newspaper is too big to fit into the photostating machine, and the words will come put really small if we reduce it.
B1: But i wan the words to be big
C: Er...thats impossible
B1: Go try.

so i spend one hour cutting out chunks of that page, photostating them, shrinking them than enlarging them again.

Boss2 senerio

B2: Charissa can you fax this to laos.
(Charissa tries to fax it 27 times....)
C: The fax machine at the other side is faulty
B2: Oh...its ok...try again
C: Its faulty, it can't work
B2: Try again tom
C: No...its faulty...meaning it will never work
B2: never mind..try again.

typical instruction from boss 1 -
B1: send this by express mail...i want the one which is not too express espress but more express than the normal not express one but i wan cheap express express and not the expensive express express one.

reality check, mail delievry in post offices only come in three catergories: slowest (cheap) slower (not so cheap) slow (expensive)

emails exist for a reason you know.

2) Always purchase high quality office equipment, its saves you more money and time. When you see your workers crowding round a photocopying machine and making cooing noises, its time to start making investments.

3) Just because you are a boss doesn mean that everyone is eyeing you and scheming to take over your position. Your friendly temp worker here wants to take over your company, not your position, so don't worry k...

4) When a temp worker smiles at you it is a "im -licking- your- ass- cuz- lo- and- behold- you- are- mine- boss- and- in- control- of- the miserable-600- bucks- you- promised- to- pay- me" smile....it is not a "I-love- work-give-me-more-work"smile

2003-01-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

It feels sooooo good to be slacking around at home with swollen eyes and a cough than whacking the photocopying machine....juz pounded thru me stack of old old fashion mags and compiled my to-buy list for 2003!!

1) short skirt, either a pleated one, a denim one, a pinstrip one or the cool suede one from topshop
2) Mary Janes in any colour except red (i have to curb my addiction to red shoes...but i love red shoes...)
3) a low heeled slip on sandels
4) blusher cuz my maybelline one has been used to the foam and its starting to distintergrate
5)more white/ivory/blue shirts with a little frill trimming on the front
6) a pair of black/ivory/grey/khaki pants because my favourite one has TSD green majong paint on it!!!
7) an a line full skirt cause i like the twirly effect
8) a vintage 80's pleated skirt
9) a twin set
10) a proper strapless bra in WHITE so that ppl will stop saying what's that funny picture on your boobs
11) 4/5 loose pants in white
12) sun dresses!!!!
13) comfy pair of exercise pants and top
14) mock turtle neck tops
15)proper make up brushes - a big fluffy one for blusher and a smaller one for eyes
16) vitamin E capsules for my cracked lips
17) cool belts in either glitter or suede
18)Rosette Clip in pink
19) If i ever can ever get thru to a scholarship interview......a nice not so formal suit
20) brown suede bag at Robinsons
21) Lóreal Lash Architect False Lash Effect Mascara

2003-01-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

Do you know what is worst than standing over a machine photostating 2000 copies of documents, folding them neatly and tucking them into 2000 envelopes of which you stick 2000 labels for that 2000 envelopes and seal them? WHEN YOUR FUCKING BOSS TELLS YOU IN HIS MOST AFFECTED GAY VOICE THAT THE PRINT OF THE PHOTOSTATED COPIES ARE TOO FINE BECAUSE THE GODDAM MACHINE IS SPOILT AND HE WANTS YOU TO OPEN UP THAT 2000 ENVELOPES, REMOVE THAT 2000 DOCUMENTS, REPRINT THEM AGAIN, PUT THEM BACK INTO THE ENVELOPES AND SEND THEM BY TOM!!!!!!

no, its not that I have anything again gays, i just prefer it if people stick to their natural sexes.

I AM BORED.
I AM VERY VERY BORED.
I HAVE RAN OUT OF ALL FORMS OF SELF ENTERTAINMENT.
I'V EVEN GOTTEN TIRED OF LAUGHING AT THE 3 GAY MEN IN MY COMPANY WHO HAVE UNNATURALLY RED LIPS AND WHO SQUEAL WITH LAUGHTER EVERYTIME THEY PICK UP THE PHONE AND SAY "DARLING........".

HELP
ME.

oh and guess what, it's only day 5 of working life and i'v already made up names for all the animals in my fantasy farm. For Daphne's and Dong's information, the cow is still called Molly.

2003-01-05T07:10:00.000-08:00

Haha just took the emode ink blot test...stare at an inkblot and answer questions like do u get sexually aroused by this inkblot.....its hilarious and quite true!!!

cherry, your unconscious mind is driven most by Imagination

This means you have a deep desire to use innovative ideas to enhance your life and influence the world around you. This drive influences you far more than you may realize on a conscious level.

Your need to be innovative drives how you look at new opportunities and the kinds of experiences in life you choose to have. On an unconscious level, the reason you may be so driven by imagination is your fear of destruction, the opposite of creation. When you are unable to create due to restrictions imposed by your environment or even ones you unwittingly impose on yourself, do you feel trapped or confined? You may find these feelings of unease only get better when you find another outlet for your imagination.

With such a strong creative orientation, you are willing to entertain a broad spectrum of ideas at any given time. The world is a fuller, richer place because you can contribute new ideas to any experience. Your natural curiosity inspires those around you and encourages them to come up with ideas they wouldn't have thought of without your help.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Imagination, there is much more to who you are at your core.

2003-01-05T06:03:00.000-08:00

I walked like forever today, from orchard to Raffles to exchange a bag, from Raffles city to St Andrews, from St Andrews to the Supreme court, from the court to the singapore river, from the river to Fullerton and finally to the bustop near lau par sat...... it was slightly drizzling....felt so good to be able to just walked and think....thought abt wat i have became...wat i have grown or decayed into.....

"you looked so matured.....so tired....so weary..." - an old friend i met a few hours ago commented, the last time she saw me was before the A's

It was only after that comment when i realised how tired i was...so wan...so drained....yet i'm not doing much....im sticking stamps and typing, pretty brain dead activities for most of the day and in the night i run around, meet friends and shop or have dinner.....compare that to the 22 hr day we clocked in during the A's prep period....this is bliss.....

yet..i feel grown.....i feel this stage of change....im starting to get let out of the hood...to see things beyond our glassed library and the beige walls of VJC....i start looking at the real world where people get retrenched, where a delay in pay check means maggi noodles and nothing else for struggling actors.....where people backstab, are mean, nasty and gay.....i start to see the boring repetitious task that i hopefully will be only doing for a couple of months but others do for a lifetime....when we think about our futures, our careers we think in terms of if we "make it", if we succeed, if we make it to the top or at least the middle.....wat if I dun....

"don't go into theatre...it doesn't pay...and at my age u will know how important that is"- a fellow collegue whispered to me.....of course now with my parents giving me pocket money...w a bank account that is not yet dried....i dun understand what it means to be unable to afford that new lipstick i wan or worry about whether another coffee at starbucks will run me into a deficit.....suddenly i stopped thinking about artistic intergrity and passion and creativity and started thinking realistically... What if i NEVER make it? I never get promoted beyond an admin assistant in some small obscured theatre company. The only acting jobs i have comes once in two months and the pay sucks. Will i be able to maintain my current lifestyle? Who is gonna pay the rent? Where am i gonna stay? What about taxes abt CPF? If im only acting i won't get any CPF and if im not married and earn squat all my life i can just starve through my old age completely? If i do get married and my husband earns squat too than how am i gonna pay for my children's education? books, tuition...fees......electricity bills.....telephone bills....will i be able to make handphone calls freely...will i be able to sms freely and not worry about keeping the bill..... it comes down to little things like food, enjoyment, leisure....and i'm not talking about big things like dining at the Ritz daily and jet setting to Paris for a Prada shopping trip....im talking about things like can i treat myself to an ocassional shopping spree at U2 or G2000 or far east..... can i continue having ocassional dinners at Fish and co...right now i don't think about all that because i am unable to imagine an alternative lifestyle but that is how alot of people are living right now....and they are not like uneducated...they are Honours grads, from reputable universities and top 5 JCs....they didn't picture that their lives will turn out this way...they pictured stylish offices....black suits in the morning....business lunches at noon....rehearsals for grand plays at night and pubbing late into the nite......the same things i picture when i think about the word future......they think "interesting", "changing".........is there an ideal job....is there job fulfillment............i want to believe that i can enjoy a job and maintain a reasonable salary.....this ideal is slowly vanishing....and im scared to be disillusioned.......i lived10 years believing in an ideal which sadly is rare and few in between........

I walked down Shenton Way a couple of days ago and saw...between buildings were tired weary humans decked in the top executive suits.....holding a stack of resumes...going from office to office...from interviews to interviews.....begging for a job....they are not much older than me....fresh out of university...full of anticipation......only to be disappointed as each interviewer says "I'm sorry but you have no experience." 4 years time...will that be me? Walking amongst them are also the slightly derange...their eyes behold an empty soul...holding cupboard boxes with all their office achievements in them....they sold their soul to the company but what's a few human beings to a top MNC who needs to cut cost by a few milllion....its scary....

Maybe thats why i'm tired out...im in this transition between child and adult, between a protected illusion and a harsh reality.....am i a girl or am i a woman?

I can feel myself slowly changing.....instead of buying the completely cool and completely useless suede bag i opted for the black leather folder case bag...its an investment, i can use it for interviews and work....i caught myself short....five months ago i would have never thought that way.
I peered into my shopping bag....a blue G2000 office shirt.....a U2 black office skirt...clothes i use to think were boring and i would never want to be caught dead in them......

I evolve and my evolvement can be traced from the clothes i wear....at my onset of puberty it was cute baby tees, cartooned tees, flowered skirts, jeans, culottes and haversacks.....when i hit the O's it became clubbing wear from anywhere UK or Far east.... shiny tube tops, slinky halter neck and tonnes of spag tops which i buy and my mum hides away......when my mum finally allows me to wear all things strappy it changed into 3/4 frilly skirts and semi formal sleeveless tops....Now im on a look out for long sleeved shirts, tailored skirts and dress pants and leather bags....less lace, less frills, less funk, less colour....

Yet iv not completely grown up yet.....the more i work the more i realise how inexperienced i am, how uneloquent, how shy, so rough at the edges and raw.....after work i still perch myself on the high high bustop seat and swing my legs, i can't talk to my boss without stuttering a little and i find it extremely scary asking my co-workers for opportunities in theatre or for help or for what my pay is....I'm still unsure of what to do in more formal social situations and my heart still skips a beat at small little things......but im glad for all these...they remind me im still young...still inexperienced....still learning......it tells me that my growth have not been stagnated.....

I don't want to grow up. I'm afraid to grow up. It means having no one to depend on anymore. No one to support me. No one to tell me how and why and what. It means no more safe refuge to run back to. In school you screw up at the most the teacher screws you. At work you screw up and people will screw your resume and future forever. Its so scary.

2002-12-30T00:54:00.000-08:00

I just realised today how completely incapable i am in looking after myself....if without my parents and Erwin to remind me to eat, rest, sleep, drink water, pack my room ,bathe, clean myself, clean up after myself, stop eating junk, eat my vitamins and calcium tablets, eat my veggies, apply for stuff, remove my make up, remove my contact lenses etc etc etc i would just rot and decompose under a pile of mouldy laundry while my stomach internally implodes due to the vacumm effect and the 5 month expired contact lenses which got glued on to my eyeballs for 2 days non stop because i was too lazy to take them out will slowly start corroding and giving out hissing noises. Well at least ppl will be able to find my corpse. Hiss hiss...

I'm a walking hazard to myself. I can just imagine my life if i study alone in London.

8am
cherry wakes up sandwiched between last semesters notes under her and yesterdays homework above her. Realises that lecture starts at 8.15am. Too late to go anyway. Goes back to sleep.

11 am
Cherry wakes up still in her junk pile. Wonders why everything looks so fuzzily clear. Realises she still has her lenses on and last nites make up on her face. She literally rolls out of bed, plonks on the floor half eaten by termites and so mouldy we could grow persian carpets and crawls towards the bathroom. She flicks soap on her face, toothpaste on her teeth and peels off the contact lense which by now looks kinda wrinkled and yellow. She suppresses her cough...the one she has been having two months ago but is too lazy to see the doctor.

1130am
cherry has no clothes. Why? Because for the last one month she has been wearing her clothes out of the cupboard and dumping them on the floor once she's done with it so her cupboard is empty now. How? She opens her roomate's cupboard and BORROWS her clothes with the intention of returning. And she does return most borrowed stuff anyway...her roomate just have to look for them on the floor and it'll be there.

noon
cherry is all dressed up and ready for the lesson which starts at 12.30. she knows she's late AGAIN and has to bloody waste money on a bloody cab again. Since she's late she decides not to eat breakfast or brunch or lunch despite the fact that she has gastric. She grabs a handful of last nights potato chips lying on the bed despites the fact that she has a cough and a sore throat. She feels thirsty but since the water has been in the pitcher for a week and has contributed to the creation of numerous mosquito families, she decides not to touch it for hygiene reasons.

During lecture
Cherry realises she cant find her notes and homework cuz they'r on the bed and she slept on them and they're all crumbled and wrinkled beyond recognition. She wonders where are her pens.

7pm
Cherry is starving but she can't cook so she has no food. She opens her fridge and peers in. There are three bars of chocolate lying on the top shelf and a freezer full of ice. She reaches over to grab the chocolate and realises that only the wrapper is left. So why doesnt anyone throw them away , she thinks whilst closing the fridge door on them. She heads down to the convinence shop at the petrol kiosk and buys cup noodles. The manager of the shop greets her as she is their regular instant noodle buyer.

10pm
Cherry's friends say "hey u wanna go clubbing?" Despite the fact that Cherry knows she has a bloody lecture at 8.30am in the morning her priorities are warped so she bloody goes for it. Being stupid, she drinks excessively on a stomach half filled by instant noodles and ends up pucking half the time. She returns back to the hostel at 3.30am and falls asleep in her junk land with her makeup and contact lenses on.

That's the life of Cherry Feng. On my gravestone we can all write Death By Ignorance To The Natural Orders Of Human Nature.

And now despite the fact that i have 2 scholarship forms i have to fill up and send by today, a room which my parents have threatened to burn if i dun pack it by today, a job interview tom, a sink full of dishes i have to wash cuz they are all mine, a throat so infected i have red lumps all over it so i need medication which is lying on the kitchen table waiting to be eaten and a chapter of the Bible i am suppose to read yesterday....I am doing what? Im blogging. Now why am i blogging....cuz im trying to delude myself into not doing all the things i have to do but since this blog entry is coming to an end i have to do the stuff which im suppose to have done at the beginning of this freaking month. Well guess what next year's new year resolution is gonna be....wait i dun even think i'l have the energy to write a new year resolution.

2002-12-25T00:20:00.000-08:00

hey you civilians out there i am now a full fleged army WOSE. (that just means he has no hair)
I have no more pink IC now i have 11B. which basically means i'm an ARMY RECRUIT!
heh life in tekong is quite stressful especially with the officers running around scolding evnyone who calls them sergent. food is good actually for all the shit people say...... ok that's all i have booking in again today.... joy....

2002-12-20T09:22:00.000-08:00

Random thoughts while i was in vietnam

hmm.....power failure in the airport...saw a human avalanche on the escalator....quite funny

vietnamese girls are so gentle and demure...no wonder singapore men are going there for brides...one bride cost about $10 000...

i love me and my messy habits!! i save water and hotel space!!! I can travel round e world in a suitcase!!

after sleeping in the same room with my mum for 6 days i can publish a book...its called sleeping with an insommatic....
typical night:

cherry: Good nite
mum: good nite
(silence for 2 min)
mum: i feel cold..do u feel cold
cherry: (ignoring her)
mum: don't u feel cold, i mean i feel really cold and when i feel cold i cant sleep.
cherry: (grunts)
mum: i think i'l turn up the air conditioning...
cherry: (pretends to snore)
mum: i need socks....do u have socks...i can't sleep with cold feet...
cherry: (points at the luggage with her eyes closed)
silence for five min
mum: i think i feel hot...do u feel hot?

ya...it adds a new dimension to the play Waiting for Godot.

some strange vietnamese guy proposed...he suggested i break up with erwin cuz erwin is unfaithful (like how the hell does he know that) and marry him....eh....right....i have one prerequisite for a boyfriend....being able to communicate in a communal language is one of them...

the streets are lined with an uncomprehensible suffering which we pay to watch, take pictures of and allow the poor to measure the gap of their lack....the streets are lined with ppl without arms and legs...taking five mins to take one step.. to roll themselves on a wooden platform using their chest.....to get that five cents from you...to stretch their hand out for one more spoonful of rice that will sustain them for one more day....do they talk abt meaning in life...abt the philosophy of their existance...do they feel despair, depression....its fucking unfair that the ppl who hang at the edge of death value life more than the ppl living in it...the ppl with no meaning, no friends..its fucking unfair....in vietnam whenever i eat in a restaurant...i look out at the faces of starving kids outside...without shoes and clothes....staring in at us and wondering whats it like to taste real food....and suddenly i just feel this irrational hatred for myself, for my friends in singapore, my family...that we talk abt a lack which is intangible when others lack even that basic need...that we can unemotionally spend 20 bucks on makeup when it can provide food for a family of 4 in vietnam for a week...yet i myself is guilty of it...of rather spending that last 10 bucks on myself because it is mine.....can it be compared...i really don't know

was sitting outside a high school today during dismissal time....their school starts at 7am end at 11.30 am... hee it was quite cute cuz outside the school was the vietnamese version of marine parade...the boys will zoom to the lan shop, the girls will huddle in cafes and couples will do their homewok outside cafes.... some children''s parents will pick them up....most go home on bicycle....it has a romantic bygone feel to it....of little shops with little tables and chairs selling ice cream and custard in pseudo glass cups.....very enid Blyton...

Dat Kwa--> means expensive
Bert--> means discount
impt words to know when bargaining

this place is prom night haven man....all our gowns come from there man....there are rows and rows of small shops and tailors selling gorgeous embodaried and beaded gowns in thai and vietnamese silk for less than a hundred. one shop can custom make a gown for u for less than fifty. And all the beaded bags we see in CK tang and departmental stores all come from there....gosh....

Let me tell u the story of Mr Lung.
Mr Lung was found outside a hotel one morning. He was wearing a shirt, a tie that reaches half his shirt, smart black shoes and a cap. He approached two americans and spoke in perfect crisp american accented english if he could bring them around on a city tour for a couple of us bucks.
He brought them around the whole of ho chi minh city, going from attraction to attaction, stopping the traffic and helping them cross the darn busy road( which is as wide as a singapore expressway with 3 times the amount of cars going in all imaginable directions and NO traffic lights).
He talked to them throughout the day , entertaining them with his jokes and antics, calling them barbie and giggling at their butt size.
At the end of the day at 5pm, he waves goodbye, pockets a few greenbacks and makes for english lessons.

Mr Lung is only seven years old and as tall as my waist. His mum is a street hawker opposite that hotel.
now where was i when i was 7....e furthest i ventured alone was my house void deck.

2002-12-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

(read it chinese serial style)

Dang ni du ze feng sing (By the time you read this letter,)
wo yi jing ehhh...go liao (i have already gone)

aiyah...i'll be going to vietnam in a couple of hours time....please please remember my whole family and i in your prayers as im paranoid about unexploded landmines, street kid kidnappers, unhygienic food and water, airplanes and all forms of potentially dangerous land and sea transportation. cya guys ...in the meantime...go read the lonely planet site for Afrganistan...its pretty hilarious...

2002-12-12T05:09:00.000-08:00

was just coming out of the doctors today when i saw the hairdressers and decided...hair is dirty, hair cause germs to cling on it which makes Cherry sick, therefore hair has to go....

bad decision. i now look like chucky chewed my head and spit it out. Highlight me blond and i could pose as one of the Ah lians in moulmein high or lucky plaza.

But at least my hair is shorter which was kinda the goal in the first place.

Oh...and i duplicated my key too!! Yipee!!! After being unable to get into my own house for half a year, i have a glorious key to help me now!!!

So armed with shorter hair and my key to get into my own house, I am on my way to becoming an in-dUh-pen-Dent WUman!!!

ps: Erwin msged from tekong....it seems he luvs it there.....he say damm slack...they woke up and walked....and the food damm shiok...got buffet of chicken chop and mash potato...and since lunch they slacked for 4 hours and played stupid games..... i suggested wacko...i thing they'v already done that in the morning.....sounds like orientation...i told them they'll be coming up with an alpha platoon mass dance soon.....eh...right....
oh...and he's in the bunk as Bobs....cool!!!

2002-12-11T03:45:00.000-08:00

sigh...feeling all sniffly and sick huddled in my little chair....great...be sick 2 days before im due for vietnam....sigh...me miss erwin already....it was until he's gone than do i realise how much part of me he is...like an extension from my body...i was feeling all sickly and depressed and in need of comfort and i was juz about to dial his number when i realised...sigh....the dude's in army..... *sniff sniff* I AM over dependant.....sigh....oh well...they always say army time is a testing time for couples....i'll make sure i not only pass the test but pass it w flying colours!!! *grin grin*

meanwhile im going to knock my head against the table if u don't mind cuz i got shit stuck up my nose...... where is the bloody doctor when u need a bloody doctor?

can i please please have a shout out for christmas? *doe eyed*

anyone on for the french film/old cartoon thingie? we'l book a day...ditch the hollywood trash ....borrow a couple of VCDs....Amelie, He loves me.....8 women....yamakazi.....chocolatte.....kerri will whip up some french cruisine or else we'll juz "ta bao" delifrance and we'll camp over at someone's house WITHOUT dogs and with a good vcd player and watch whole day long. In between we'll watch old school cartoons like carebears, rainbow bride and my little pony!!! sounds good?!!

ok really gotta hunt down the doc.....i can feel my body decay....

2002-12-11T03:32:00.000-08:00

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

2002-12-10T01:36:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen... this is Erwin speaking as a Civilian for the last time in 2.5 years.... it's been swell talking to you wussy civilian trash.,... i'm on my way to becoming a real man.... ok... enough of that.... i'm really gonna miss everyone out there... and go plan a big christmas party so i can pop in and see everyone. hey, i'm even gonna strip and show you guys , my hot new bod. cherry gets priority hehe.... ok that was sick... i have lots to say but i'm tired from BLOODY SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATIONS. it's really really hard, musn't specify organisation... they'll blacklist me..... freak man....
to cherry...................................................... nothing i say will make you feel better so i'll just show you instead. there done. all you guys go figure.
to my class. you're never gonna see this anyway. so not gonna bother typing.
to dong. chill man.
to daphne...... ah..... ze bitch...... a slut will see you soon.....
to angie and hannah. go start on 50 freakin' things to do when you're bored and GO DO IT.
to jiayin!! I'll see you soon!!! (cherry: he so has a crush on you loh) i'll buy char siew sou.
to chin.... yo!! see you in army soon man!!!
to ling..... you'll feel like cherry does soon.
to carey loy. SCREEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
to andy......... sorry i didn't have dinner brother........ i'll make it up to you soon.... see you in army anyway... hey.... treat zulu well k???? you're a great guy... and a really good friend... if a bit dickish at times
to wei xiong..... asshole.... ps2..... hehe.... we've been through a lot of shit haven't we? see you in army too!!
to kerri... BROTHER!!!! bloodt hell... you waiting to get ps2 also...
to ZULU. don't let andy bully you. hehe kick the balls!! KICK THE BALLS!!!
to anyone else i've missed.... hey i'm going for bloody BMT i'm not gonna die. see y'all soon!!

2002-12-07T23:52:00.000-08:00

hello!! I am at erwin's house now!!!
Erwin...say hi to prove it.
Erwin : Yes... she really is at my house... no... we're not fornicating or having... never mind... we're sitting here reading bloody blogs..... man.... 50 positive things??? ok angie yours was pretty amusing anyway...
Cherry...lalelalela.....waiting for red hot concert where u guys can listen to noise for 3hrs and pay 70 bucks for it
Erwin : IT'S NOT NOISE!! RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS ROCK!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! shut up cherry. *kiss*
Cherry: Rite...

2002-12-06T10:09:00.000-08:00

Daylight
See the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses whither away
Like the sunflower
I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day . . .

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every streetlamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun
~memory Cats

2002-12-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

my favourite song!!

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe

La luce che to dai
I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore resterò
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarchi che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'è
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternità

La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a sé
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salverà
~Charlotte Church The Prayer

2002-12-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

how i kinda feel after prom:

The stranger sang a theme
from someone else's dream
The leaves began to fall
and no one spoke at all
But I can't seem to recall,
when you came along...
Ingenue...

Ingenue...

I just don't know what to do

The tree lined avenue
begins to fade from view
Drowning past regrets
in tea and cigarettes
But I can't seem to forget
When you came along...
Ingenue...
~Mono - Life in Mono

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure? measure a year

in daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights,
in cups of coffee,
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a year in a life?

how about love?
how about love?
how about love?
measure in love...
seasons of love...
seasons of love...

(female soloist)
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan
five hundred twenty five thousand suix hundred minutes
how do you measure a life of a woman or a man

(male soloist)
in truths that she learned
or in times that she cried
in bridges he burned
or the way that she died

(all)
its time now to sing out though
the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in a life
of friends

remember the love...
(oh you gotta remember the love)
remember the love...
(oh yeah, its a gift from up above)
remember the love...
(sing out, give out, measure your life
in looooooove...!!!)
seasons of love...
seasons of love...
- Seasons Of Love

2002-12-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

to a special someone in my life:
We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Live is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Live is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Live is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on....
Starting out on a journey
Life is a road and I wanna going
Love is river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you.
~Richard Marx and Donna Lewis - At the Beginning

2002-12-04T23:55:00.000-08:00

listening to Friends are Friends Forever by Michael W.smith now and hugging by bouquet and crying my eyeballs out.

I miss prom!
I miss everyone gorgeously dressed up, the phototaking, the beauty of the night, the knowledge that the end is coming, the dancing where we just let go of all the shit in the world! Everyone just screamed and sang and raved and jumped (and clapped for some...hee) For six hours time was racing forward as we self contained ourselves in a room with no cares, no Alevels, it was fairytale for 6 hours. Everyone screaming, laughing, taking photos. Suddenly all the worries about my dress my hair my make up just evaporated away. Behind each photo taken and behind each beautifully made up face was an experience shared. Whether it was a face i slogged together with for the A's, or a face i see 24/7 in taiwan, or a face i shared TSD with or the 55 table with, or just a face i meet everyday and say hi too....it was a face i had memories about. Maybe one day i'll forget names and faces, but each experience will be cherished, whether they are good or bad, they contributed to my learning experience.

Everyone was a prince. Everyone was a princess.

Thank you Erwin for making this beautiful nite even more magical. Everything you did just brought tears in my eyes. The flowers were gorgeous and hee....that situation was rather dramatic don't you think:

Erwin (sheepishly presents Cherry with pretty flowers from behind): These are for you cherry!!
Cherry: Oh my gosh...thank you so much!

Queue (BELT OF ROBE DROPS AND ROBE FLINGS OPEN!)

Everyone(stares in horrer and starts screaming and bundling cherry up while cherry giggles like a neurotic idiot)

Thanks so much for the cherry speech! Ok self confession....when you said "I'm gonna talk about fruits" i really thot u were gonna talk about fruits....as in orange, banana, apple FRUITS.....until u said cherry and my more intelligent friends were laughing and screaming than did i realised that it was about me. Most ppl don't get hysterical when confronted with the idea of fruits. That was the most beautiful, eloquent, subtle unprepared speech i ever heard in my life. I was trying hard to stop myself from tearing so i sat there and smiled (again like a neurotic idiot) and just kept smiling thru out the nite admist teases. Glen ong had no idea man. Hee....i thot the "Cherries turn brown when combined with milk" was hysterical.... last impression of cherry when she leaves VJC..."Oh the one who spurts shit when combined with milk"....hee....

I miss tracking down the middle of marina at 3pm in the night to finally reached 7-11 to find half of VJC transposed outside it, raiding the selves empty till the manager had to beg us to go home. Everyone still had prom hair and makeup on whilst in normal clothes.I missed spraying ourselves outside the door of room 1704 eating kaya and blueberry buns which suck and talking cock till four plus five in the morning. I miss snuggling next to you and falling asleep. Each moment was magical. When i looked at you i couldnt help crying. You know the cliched line"at that moment time just stands still"....i felt exactly that way...the moment was perfect...hee...extra atmosphere created my the rising sun over the bay....Singapore never looked prettier.

As we were screaming as we were dancing :

"ITS MY LIFE AND ITS NOW OR NEVER!"

The nite will never repeat itself again but it will always be a part of me.

Thank you Justin for taking a photo and wishing Erwin and i all the best. Yes it did mean alot to me and i have been waiting for that blessing from you for a long time. It signifies a complete closure to our relationship and an acceptance of a future where we will be just another part of our memories. I decided that its time to heal. Time to forgive. I msg him back "What you said meant alot to me. I have not completely forgiven and forgotten but i just wanna say that the five months with you will always be part of me and part of my pleasant memories. All the best."

I didn't get a msg back but it doesn't matter anymore. We had five months of mutual companionship. We were both happy and i enjoyed talking to him. Its time to move on. Things have worked out for the best and I'm happy. Its time to close one chapter of my life and not carry any hurts with me. I miss Justin but not in a romantic way, but as a friend, a classmate, and a distant memory.

I miss VJC! I miss 55 table! I miss CT sessions! I miss friends, sitting down, bitching, talking cock, crying, revealing the innermost parts of our being, laughing and all our serious stuff! I miss Lofty's love, Mr Teo Aik Cher's exasperation, Mr Gene Teo's calmness, Miss Yip's agitation, Miss Lian's motherly nature, Mr Pang's slackness, Ixer's bemusement and Harris's cynism! I miss staying up late everyday until 10.30pm in the reading room studying, talking cock with the S11 ppl, being bimbotic with Amelia, eating parkway food day in day out, buying back tonnes and tonnes of food for everyone and than laughing thru most of the nite!

I miss TSD! I miss group where we huddled thru the good and the bad, rolling around on the workshop floor attempting to come up with 20 min worth of theatre which we know will be scraped by lofty the next time we presented it to him.I miss the endless days and endless nights sitting on the cold floor of the workshop, costume room and at the performance theatre feeling shit desperate and screaming CRISIS cuz well LOFTY JUZ TRASHED OUR PIECE! I miss thinking about the group and my DS for 24 hours each day 7 days a week, eating, drinking, breathing and sleeping my TSD pieces, thinking about nothing else but sound, lights, movement, acting , set, costume, make up, how to get off the makeup......... I miss our public P, making the audience laugh, clap, smile, cry, scared and giving them a wonderful wonderful nite! I missed being a junior, staying till midnight every night making sure each line on the majong tile is drawn perfectly (hee under the watchful eye of Daphne the majong tile painter perfectionist)! Cracking our heads over a bloody peanut and eating out cans of hotdogs and sardine which were opened by a chisel and a hammer.

I missed learning!
Though 80% of what we studied and memorized never came out i guess it doesn't matter that much to me anymore. What matters is that i left these 2 years of my life more knowledgable. with a better understanding of the world around me. with a better understanding of myself. able to make better judgements. formulating values and principles. Nothing else can beat that.

I learnt geog and left with a greater appreciation of the world. With a heart that stands in awe at the miracles God performed in making the tiniest venifect to the largest bornhart. He shaped them all. And it was beautiful.

I learnt econs and left understanding the news. why things worked. the world that surrounds me.

I learnt lit and left with a lifelong companion...words. left with the knowledge that no matter how i felt, someone must have felt it more deeply than i did in order to put it down in words. I found a friend in larkin and Albee. As i walk down the streets and see swerving cars...i think of Ambulances. When i see married couples, i think of Whitsun Weddings. It gave me a different perspective in life...one less myopic than the one i had before.

i learnt TSD and i left learning about life. Passion. Wit. Reality. Independence. Dependence. Communication. Illusion. Mask. Humans. Relationships. LIFE.

Most importantly i left with the ability to think. More perceptive. More introspective.

I learnt. I learnt that beauty and happiness does not just appear. It has to be searched, shifted out amongst the shit that happens. U have to search and dig deep and when u finally found it, it makes it all worth it. Like i once told someone...there are 2 ways u can see everything, positively or negatively. Its whether u choose to a not. U can look at a performance and think how shitty it was or u can admire the effort put in. If a child can wait for the rainbow after each storm why can't we believe in hope....because hope is the one of the reasons why we still continue to exist.

These 2 years have not been wasted. I choose to come here. I fought hard for it. And i got much more than i have ever contributed. What else is there left to say...

To someone dear in my heart, I care and i'm praying for you. Don't let me down:

This ain't a song for the broken hearted
A silent prayer for faith departed
And I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
But I ain't going to live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frank, he said "I did it my way"
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never back down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistakes
Luck, it ain't enough, you gotta make your own breaks

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't going to live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frank, he said "I did it my way"
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life

Better stand tall when it's calling you out Don't bend, don't break
baby, don't back down

It's my life
It's now or never
'Cause I ain't going to live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frank, he said "I did it my way"
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't going to live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frank, he said "I did it my way"
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life.
~Bon Jovi It's my life

2002-11-30T09:08:00.000-08:00

MY DREAM

Myopic. Perhaps.

I'v never seen what not having a soul meant, until yestersay when i saw a different spectrum of society. The one we keep under wraps. I saw how degraded and degenerated a human is capable of being. And it sure scare the living hell outta me man.It reminded me of vultures...the one when Raja was saying that all humans are capable of base expressions and that no one is escapable from the doom we precipitate from ourselves.

My kind friends decided to try out Boat Quey instead of the usual M.sultan road and whao lao ah....this place damm scary man....I was use to the clean cut crowds, yuppies too proud to be caught drunk and ppl lining up 2 by 2 to get into clean scrubbbed clubs like orange....ppl in those areas represent a certain affluent sector of society, most 25 and above in their clubbing blacks which fortunately covered MOST intimate parts of their bodies.

Now Boat Quey was a whole freaking new idea. The first thing i noticed was that everyone was half naked save for the tits and other reproductive organs. The 2nd thing i noticed was that they'r either drunk or puking....which would mean that they had to get drunk to be puking in the first place or walking zig zag across the walkway..which kinda leads me back to my first conclusion that they were all drunk. Ok....drunk ppl...should be able to cope with it i thought....than came the 2nd shock... we walked into the inner section of the club which freaking looked like a rave party was going on. Everyone looked like they were high on drugs or something and were freaking screaming GET OUT OF THE WAY!!! well being stupid i thought that they really hated someone.....this guy was screaming at me "GET OUTTA WAY" and doing weird hand signs and i was like..."OK...sorry for blocking". He had to stop to explain to me it was a song. Welcome to 2nd most embarrassing clubbing moments after toilet- paper- stuck- on- the- shoe incident. Keep it up and i can compile a book called 101 Reasons Why Dumb People Should't Be Let Out Of The House.

Either than the fact that the place was packed armpit to armpit close....i wonder how the hell do ppl dance when u can't even move. Well they looked quite contented screaming Get outta way. It looked like some mass sacrificial ritual man....looked like those kinda scenes when ppl will fall from high floors and the crowd below will catch them and kill them. Man...

Anyway after literally worming our way in between that pile of human mess, hearing a thousand "F**K that f**king person who is f**king trying to get pass the F**king dance floor when we are so f**king dancing" and getting my demin skirt half drenched in booze, other human's sweat and other unmentionables...we finally made it to a place relatively not so crowded. hee...this sounds like some lame kids competition show called monkey maze or something.I plonked down on the chair and heave a sigh of relieve that we finally got to a more civilized part of the club from the human orgy going on over ther. Than i started noticing what was happening around me and this is one image that i can never forget.

On my right was a drunk girl so obviously stoned she was just drooping in a corner drooling. One of her breast was 3/4 exposed (breast as in uncovered un bra-ed breast) and there were4 guys surrounding her so obviously taking advantage of the situation. Some midget at the height of her virgina was frenching her while the rest were talking her into some mass orgy or something. Shu and i flashed the same horrified look. The chances of her getting raped was high...the chances of her getting gang raped was even higher.

So i thought i'll look out for her and maybe somebody somewhere i can signal to save her....i looked infront and saw a really gorgeous girl dancing in a white lacy top and a skirt cut up to her hips. With no underwear underneath. Right. Well at least got chio bu la....That feeling lasted until Ade's boyfriend leaned over to me and whispered "the person in front of you. His name is Dandy." Erm...what the hell do u mean by HIS and DANDY....what sort of a name is...Dandy huh?!! HUH??!! ya...apparently that person's is the same age as us and he went thru a sex op in sec 2. 2 boobs and a dick. Erm...right.

So i continued freaking out while looking like i was having fun while looking at that girl on the right sink deeper and deeper into her own stupor whilst finding out the sexual preferences of Dandy. I think he likes er......everyone.

Sigh...at the end i guess i did have fun but i gained a huge awakening that night. What struck me most poignantly were the eyes of the drunk girl. They were huge, beautiful, and souless. If i could describe it i would have just said ...sad. They were so languid...so aware...aware of the situation before her...and asking ...why. Why is it happening. Why did she let it happen before. Why is she letting it happen. Just why. Her huge eyes filled with tears ocassionally as it stared out into vacant emptiness. Perhaps an acknowledgement of that emptiness. Perhaps an acceptance that sex is the closest thing she can ever get to communication. An acceptance that sex was her substitute for reality. I really don't know why...the closest thing i did was to just fabricate a reality for a girl i'l never meet again.

I stayed sober that night. No alcohol at all cept for one or two sips out of obligation. I was too fascinated with the images to drink. Sometimes i just sat down and thought about all these people. Many were the degenerates of society. The outcast. Too ugly to be seen too stupid to be heard. Perhaps this was their haven. I felt as if i'v reached the basest base of society.Everyone was sprawled around hysterically dirty dancing, making out or screwing. Partner after partner. Hour after hour. Sex was reduced to something unnaturally grotesque. Humans were reduced to just partners in mutual satisfaction and nothing more. I felt as if i entered into an alternate reality, a reality that is not mine but is shared by many others. They all look so happy...happy ppl with sad sad eyes.

I woke up today morning at nine thirty, rolled over to my side and looked at Shu xian sleeping, Ade and Bronzy cuddling in their sleep and the shadowed curtains with streaks of sunlight coming through. I was back in my little safe haven with geog s on mon, prom shopping, prom nite on wed, uni applications and blah blah blah blah....But ....what about the people i saw in the club yesterday. How did they wake up feeling today? Irreversible? Hangover? Deaden? Damaged? Or just the same. Waiting for the night to come again. To go clubbing again for the same reasons as they used to justify going the nite before....and the nite before before. Perhaps this was the sad reality of life we'v been protected from. This perhaps is the realest real could ever get.

2002-11-28T04:13:00.000-08:00

U know what i juz realised....all the following recipes below have lactose in one form or the other.

Fuck.

2002-11-27T01:43:00.000-08:00

Cherry's cook show!!!
Today we shall make:

1) Cheesy Broccoli Potato soup

2 cups chicken broth
1/3 cup chopped onions
1 package (10 ounces) frozen chopped broccoli
1 1/3 cups Betty Crocker® Potato Buds® mashed potatoes (dry)
2 cups cut-up cooked chicken
2 cups shredded Swiss cheese (8 ounces)
2 cups milk
1/2 teaspoon salt

1. Heat broth, onion and frozen broccoli to boiling in 3-quart saucepan. Reduce heat; cover and simmer 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.
2. Stir in potatoes until well blended; stir in remaining ingredients.
3. Heat over low heat about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until hot and cheese is melted.

2) Cheese sticks
pound Monterey Jack, Cheddar, Swiss or mozzarella cheese, cut into 3x1/2-inch sticks
Vegetable oil
1 cup Original Bisquick® mix
1 teaspoon paprika
1/2 cup milk
1 egg
Marinara sauce, if desired

1. Place cheese sticks on tray; freeze at least 1 hour.
2. Heat 2 inches of oil to 375ºF in large heavy saucapan or follow manufacturer's direction on deep fryer. Beat Bisquick mix, paprika, milk and egg until smooth. Dip cheese, 1 stick at a time, into batter, covering cheese completely.
3. Fry 8 to 10 sticks at a time 1 to 2 minutes, turning carefully, until golden brown. Drain on paper towels. Let stand 3 minutes before serving. Serve with marinara sauce.

3) Bacon Pie
12 slices bacon, crisply cooked and crumbled
1 cup shredded natural Swiss cheese (4 ounces)
1/3 cup chopped onions
1/2 cup Original Bisquick® mix
1 cup milk
1/8 teaspoon pepper
2 eggs

1. Heat oven to 400ºF. Grease 9-inch pie plate. Sprinkle bacon, cheese and onion in pie plate.
2. Stir remaining ingredients until blended. Pour into pie plate.
3. Bake 35 to 40 minutes or until knife inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 5 minutes.

4) Macaroni and cheese
cups uncooked elbow macaroni (7 ounces)
2 tablespoons margarine
1/4 cup Gold Medal® all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground mustard
1/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
2 cups fat-free (skim) milk
1 1/2 cups reduced-fat shredded or cubed sharp Cheddar cheese (6 ounces)

1. Heat oven to 350ºF.
2. Cook macaroni as directed on package.
3. While macaroni is cooking, melt margarine in 3-quart saucepan over low heat. Stir in flour, salt, pepper, mustard and Worcestershire sauce. Cook over medium low heat, stirring constantly, until mixture is smooth and bubbly; remove from heat. Stir in milk. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir 1 minute. Stir in cheese. Cook, stirring occasionally, until cheese is melted.
4. Drain macaroni. Gently stir macaroni into cheese sauce. Pour into ungreased 2-quart casserole. Bake uncovered 20 to 25 minutes or until bubbly.

5) strawberry-honey sorbet

2 cups chopped strawberries
2 cups red wine or apple juice
1/4 cup chopped fresh mint leaves or 1 tablespoon dried mint leaves
3 tablespoons honey
1 teaspoon grated lemon peel

1. Heat strawberries, wine, mint and honey in 1 1/2-quart saucepan over medium heat 5 minutes, stirring occasionally; remove from heat. Cover and refrigerate at least 4 hours, but no longer than 24 hours.
2. Place strawberry mixture in blender or food processor. Cover and blend until smooth; strain.
3. Stir in lemon peel. Pour into 1-quart ice-cream freezer. Freeze according to manufacturer's directions.

Finally a recipe i invented....called er....mushrooms with stuffings

fry garlic till lightly brown, mix in ham strips and keep frying
pour in canned cabonara sauce and keep stirring
sprinkle a little chedder cheese over and wait for it to melt
scoop a little sauce into the hollow of a big button mushroom
sprinkle chedder cheese over to seal the sause in
bake it until the cheese melt

EAT!!!!

2002-11-26T22:38:00.000-08:00

See which Greek Goddess you are.

2002-11-26T04:42:00.000-08:00

super! Oh whao... like totally freak me out....

2002-11-23T05:51:00.000-08:00

Erwin came to my house today to cook for my whole family... right erwin...
erwin: right cherry. ( real words : shuddap lah... )
Cherry: come on erwin tell them what we cooked?
erwin: we both cooked steak, roasted salmon.... roast potato with cheese and sour cream... smoked mussels.... sauteed mushrooms with cheese.... boiled veggies..... perrier lemon with honey and finally................... water.
cherry: Yup we cooked a lot of stuff right erwin?
Erwin : read the above... sigh.... get a life...... i still love you
cherry: Thank you erwin

Erwin : can we FINALLY get off this?????
Cherry: ok erwin....erwin i feel like shitting
erwin : ok!! THEN GO SHIT!!!
cherry: That's all for now from cherry and erwin,,
( JUST SHIT LAH!!! )

tune in next week for greater bites....BYE!!!
( GO SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! )

2002-11-23T05:46:00.000-08:00

Erwin: hi. i'm on cherry'ss dumb blog. why? i dunno, but i'm supposed to say something... so here's to dong, chill man, don't worry too much and pray k?? i'm praying for you.... to...daphne... bitch.... to angie.... hey... you chill too.. seriously..... don't interpret so much ... to hannah.... yeah. you don't stress... everyday dunno why look so stress.....and to cherry... i love you i'll always love you and i'll never stop loving you. i promise.

Cherry: Yey!!

2002-11-21T04:24:00.000-08:00

wee.....finished all my stoopid boring papers at last!!! Human geog was pretty fine cept for the pathetic fan that went on and off repeatedly....best of the day: I COOKED!!!! yipee dee do.....first time i managed to cook a decent meal and its been half an hour since i ate it and no sign of any family member rushing to the toilet yet so yup...i think its a success!!! made a cross between Al funghi and cabonara....with pasta stuffed with mushroom and chicken...cream sauce with a generous serving of button mushrooms and ham.....so fun!!! Gonna make sausages stuffed with cheese tom!! And cold storage still beats Giant hands down all the time....its food is much fresher and it has a bigger variety of sausages, seafood, cheese, pasta and anything exotic....and the whole freaking parkway is becoming over populated man.....i even saw a tour bus and tourists there.....right.....

2002-11-21T03:58:00.000-08:00

You Are A Romantic Kisser!

You'll only kiss if the mood is right and if you think you are falling in love.

Some may say you're old fashioned, but when you kiss, you see stars!

One kiss from you, and anyone will be hooked forever.

How Do *You* Kiss?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

2002-11-19T03:41:00.000-08:00

The Dreame (yo...Donne Pun)

I was in the middle of Parkway parade which had miraculously transformed itself into a chalet complex....each store was a chalet room with a family barbequing in it....I was in one chalet room doing what all children of hosts do....grin and and serve ppl you hardly know....I stepped out into the corridor and leaned at the rails....looking out for my own friends who were coming.....the lowest floor of parkway was a huge swimming pool....i leaned across and saw Han, Daf and Angie walking across one of the floors below me.... I waved and they waved back....Daf was saying something like "yup will be there shortly!!" or was it "yah will be there shorty..!!" anyway i couldnt hear her over all the noise.... i smiled and went back into the room...

it had transformed into a club.... my entire sec 4 class was in it having a rave party....a bar was set up at one side and Gilbert's bro was there juggling bottles....of water....Evian...perrire...blah blah....the floor was covered with non slip mats..the type they put behind bars to keep bottles from breaking when it falls.......Gilbert's bro offered me a cup of water as if its the most exciting margarita ever concocted..... i reached up for it before realising that i was on the floor....no idea how i got there but i was crawling on the freaking floor....

(scene change)

suddenly i was in a car parked on the edge of the hill's summit...wearing what looked like my prom dress in white...with alot of lace, frills and a veil......i didn't know how to get to somewhere....heck...i didnt even know where that somewhere was....i found myself calling justin yip....without even realising that i was calling him until his voice came through...

Me: Hey do u know how to get to somewhere....
Justin: Not telling you
Me: Come on man...you got to tell me...i have no idea
Justin: I'm not telling you
Me: What the hell is your problem....not only are u a loser u r freaking mean too!!!
Justin: I'm not telling you
Me: wait let me get this straight....first u broke up with me and now u'r treating me like shit...whao...check out the fairness man...
Justin: I'm not telling you
Me: ay...stop joking leh...
Justin: I'm not telling you

took me quite some time before i realised the pattern in his linguistic syntax...it was said so coldly, detached....cruelly....the frustration and over whelming claustrophobia of the car was too much.....i felt anger, frustration, hatred, crazy hatred...the type which u can feel flowing out...brimming on the edge...threatening to explode....while he continued repeating that line...i threw down the phone onto the dash board....i wanted to punch something, kick someone...to just let the hatred out...hatred that was even bigger than what my body could contain....i screamed fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.........as much as i could remember....over and over and over again.......i felt the need to destroy...something...whatever it was i don't care...i jammed my feet repeatedly on the accelerater pedal...again and again.......the car skidded down the hill....at the foot of it i could see a busy junction...almost looking like another orchard road intersection during peak hour...i was rushing towards it.....closer and closer....the cars got bigger and bigger......i felt nothing but a sense of exhilaration...nothing ...nothing.....nothing...i could hear the swell of the traffic above me...so many beautiful colours....so many colours for the eyes....than everything turned white....

And i jolted up...

stared blankly at the empty darkness before me....took some time to reconcile my senses with my econ notes beside me before realising i was in my own room....

And no i am not suicidal....heck i don't even have a driver's license to get suicidal over....die and they most prob sue my dead body for underage driving....

But i recognise the hate....the hatred i feel each time i see him...each time he speaks....each time i see him in the canteen i feel this overwhelming urge to see whether boiling water cures eczema.....

wonder why too...the break up was clean....i wailed over it one day in tsd workshop...spend a subsequent week or so whining and drinking....few weeks later on Vday i started dating erwin....it was easy...clean...i never probbed much...decided that the girl he liked looked like a donkey and felt glad....was told by everyone that they are shocked by my pathetic taste in man....and felt consoled.....so why...why can't i forgive....its only been 4 months of a relationship...we didnt get too close....he spend a grand total of $19.20 on me and me....around 30 odd bucks on a fake hugo wallet.....paid by my mum nevertheless....

yet...perhaps i haven't completely reconciled myself with the humiliation i was put through....i dated a loser...made me a double loser.....i was DUMPED by a loser...whao check it out man....i have became a triple loser.......

maybe its more than that....empty promises...faith and trust betrayed.....the raw feeling of vulnebility....and a crushing loss on my self esteem......it was as if everything measured up to that one moment....i remembered going tajie and trying to prove a point....that i was ok enough...i was not just some ugly dumb pathetic loser who has only one guy to save my life....

Yesterday i was walking past the string of lockers which just got busted open...in his was the bottle of stars....still lying there...alone...the bottle i gave back to him about half a year ago....lying there waiting to be cleared by the SCs....

" all these stars represent a part of me which i have given to you...a promise that we'll be together no matter what"
"even though we are not together i'll continue filling up this bottle because friendship is a promise i made to you."

That was how much he valued our relationship.Or whatever shit we had for 4 months.

its time to get over it....to get over the anger.... i spend a good part of the year repressing....its time to step in front of the anger and hatred i used as a protective device and to face the reality of the situation...that there isn;t one...its over....fine and simple......

Its time to get on with my life without bag and baggage....i need to learn how to forgive and transplant this experience to just another pleasant memory.

hmm....maybe after prom la....

2002-11-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

**************What Part of the body are U?*************
brought to you by Quizilla
Congrats ur the TONGUE, get busy

2002-11-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla
Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a porno anytime soon. You seem to be really into the whole "love" thing...romantic sex with perfumed sheets and candles all over the place. You're probably a hopeless romantic. You value sex and respect your partner too much to do anything like porn. AWWWWWW! <3

2002-11-01T23:55:00.000-08:00

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-11-01T05:42:00.000-08:00

haha i got this from one of my friend's blog...think it's dam funny...woo hee!!!

21st Century Teacher applicant addressing the school administration. Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and T-shirt messages. I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention. I'm required by my contract to be working on! my own time summer and evenings at my own expense toward advance certification and a master's degree; and after school, I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my employment status. I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and to my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, and monitor all Web sites while providing a personal relationship with each student. I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused, and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions. I am to make sure all students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete ! any of the work assigned. Plus, I am expected to make sure that all of the students with handicaps are guaranteed a free and equal education, regardless of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter and grade card. I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk,a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute more-or-less plan time and a big smile, all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states.

2002-10-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

U know daffy...if u were thinking about whether these things are real...this info proves that they are SO NOT TRUE!!! Anyone who knows me knows that the only thing i get vaguely neurotic about is my DS....rest of my life is spent buried under something....papers....books or bodies....haha...yeah...joking.....

2002-10-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-10-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

whoa.....unnecessary info abt myself.....scary.....i guess most of my emotions manifest into anger...sadness turns into anger....pain turn into anger...love turns into anger.......oh well....too bad for whoever is being offensive ha....gotta go for some major hotline help

2002-10-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-10-15T04:28:00.000-07:00

hey...i have deslyxia ao i cant spell k....so no one complains..oh gosh i cant even spell the name of my problem properly...did i spell properly correctly....

2002-10-15T04:23:00.000-07:00

I miss friends!!!! I cried my eyeballs out when i watched it.....soooooooo sad.......i wan a baby too.....sigh.....

2002-10-15T04:22:00.000-07:00

hmm...i actually started this blog so i can bitch abt moe than i'll close it down....but its damm addictive leh....how huh....man...

2002-10-15T04:12:00.000-07:00

i was juz musing and thinking abt some of my dear friends who are going thru relationship crisis and break ups now and jus wanna share some of my little pennies of thoughts...i'v been thru four break ups in my life..in the last four years of my life actually...all badly handled and received by both parties....none of them i am still keeping close or cordial contact with...alt i innocently i did thought we could still be friends...never works for me...hard to be friends with a person u dream of torturing with dripping water and soggy pads....sorry...human emotions....i have been both the breaker upper and the breaker uppee....and both ways it sucks!! But a couple of days back Daffy and i were talking and she said that she hopes that she'l never have to experience being dumped....i thought abt it and i realise that i am actually thankful to be blessed with those experiences....strange as it may sound...as i was telling daffy...these experiences were cathertic ones and i think if i was ever given the chance again i know that the same things will happen..... looking back i learnt alot and it was during those tough times that i was nearest to God and he was really real.....and even till now every time i feel depress i look back at those awful times i had and realised how much i have changed from then and how much stronger i'v became.....all of them also thought me one very important lesson and its that God knows best...he has a larger perspective for everyone and more often then not in order for the larger will to be accomplished.....something has to be taken away.....and that something in my life has always taken the form of a masculine homosapien.....i have been blessed and happy thru all these relationships but God had something better meant for me.....I learnt how to look out for the blessings in disguise that underlies every awful thing that happens....maybe its a better person meant for u (hee...which is erwin....aww...) , maybe its a closer walk with God, maybe its coming back to God (learnt the importance of that after my 1st r/s), maybe its better results (if i remained attached during my olevels prep i was so going down the drain with 54 pts) or maybe its the experience that will help u emphatise and help others in the future when they face the same problem.....or sometimes God just wanna whack u hard on the head and bellow "stop ignoring me, i need to speak to u!!"........whatever the case when we look back in time lying on bed with our future spouses...these things would only have contributed to less than 0.05% of our time on earth but yet enough to make us stronger, wiser, harder (which could either be a good or bad thing) and definitely more cautious....as they always say...that which doesnt kill us just makes us stronger!!! Let everything go to God....breaking up doesnt make sense and its not meant to....searching for the answer is futile cuz there aint no answer at all....he knows whats perfect for u and he will never let u settle for what he thinks is second best for u...keep searching for the blessing...it doesnt come immediately...maybe only after 5 yrs then u'll realise what was it that God wanted for u....I'l try my best to be here for u guys alt i think im a selfish impatient brat...hee thats why not taking a job as a social worker.......and Thank You everyone for being there when i was going thru my tough times....dor for letting me wet your shoulder in the middle of service and calling me all the way from aus when u heard abt the break up....shu xian for crying along with me when i cried...we seem to be fated to cry together alot.....vera for coming down to meet me at st andrews while i sat there crying my eyes out while the funny old man prayed for us....ade for coming down to tangos to meet me and bitch with me when i was depress and drunk and warning me abt being a depressed clubber...which i still went ahead anyway.....shah, daf and han for coming straight to my rescue that day at the tsd studio...still think it was a very drama moment....im so thankful for u guys...dong for being there calling me and talking to me when i needed someone to hear me out and give me advice....jo and angie for always being such sweet encouragers and supporters....the entire breakfast club for bitching along with me and accompanying me during my lonely depressive breaks and always encouraging me and hugging me....saida cuz alt we are not very close...what u said to me that day "cherry i'v known u to be a very strong person and u WILL get over this soon"...i will never forget that....Priya for supplying me with the sweeter version of prozac, chocolate ....jun, april always there so understanding....ms Poon for sharing with me hare life experiences and telling me that there are alot of fishies in the sea....Grace for listening to me whine at the canteen table....agnes and aigner and june for praying for me and reminding me abt one of the most beautiful truths in life " u may no longer be his princess but u will always be ours and God's little princess"....Nicky for coming over to my house to make sure i was ok....my parents who prayed so hard for me and who filled me up with spiritual adultly advice.....my tsd cow group cuz if without group slots i would be going bonkers....for all the other ppl who have encouraged me supported me and reminded me that everything is gonna be fine.......and for Erwin....always there beside me silently ready to offer support and advice....if u werent there i really dun know what to do....i have been wanting to thank all u guys but never got a chance to do it....so here's a big muak and thanks!!!!

At the end of it all....it is thru adversities that draw us closer and make us realise the importance of humans........its gonna hurt like crazy and until now i still haven't gotten over certain issues alt its been many months....but one day i will and everyone will.....even as we are reading this millions of ppl around the world are breaking up and getting divorces.....its a human condition and its hard to fight against.....so just let God bring ppl into your life to heal and to minister to u....for i believe that when God closes the door...he opens another huge window!!!!

"Be still and know that I am God"...its still in my handphone till today...hee messaged myself that....
"weeping may go on all night but in the morning there is light..." Psalms 30:5
"He is my strenght, my shield from every danger and he helped me....Joy rises in my heart until i burst out in songs of praise to him..."Psalms 28:7

breaking up is a lonely process cuz ultimately u have to deal with the emotions alone....u have to choose and decide your fate...but u never have to walk thru it alone because friends will definitely be there....even ppl u'v never talked to...ppl u dun even know...all are watching all are praying....and God will always be there...ready to reveal his blessings!!! I hope that i have made anyone's day and calmed anyone's heart....

2002-10-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

i tell your huh...im having this blog cuz immmm sooooooooo pissed.............!!!! yesterday i went for the a certain ministry's scholarships tea session thinking perhaps i could try to make them change their mind abt not putting tsd as one of the subjects i can read....basically my aim was simple...i dun see why cant i work as a teacher and study tsd...rite now currently for the scholarship they only allow ppl to read the basic subjects like maths, econ, lit blah blah blah....ya so i thought if i can read theatre i can be a cirriculum planner for the theatre courses in schools....well ok back to the talk....it statred off pretty well...all of them talking abt the passion of being a teacher...the love for the subject.....blah blah..how as teachers they are NEVER disillusioned....the pay is pretty good(that i kinda agree la...its reasonable)...... stress is low(ya so why the hell is half of club M.A.D made out of ppl in the teaching profession)...basically how glam and noble the teachng profession is....which i agree alt of course the ppl saying these things are v principals and HODs who are presidant scholars who made it there upon a couple of years sfter graduation.......so yada yada.......and this guy made a striking comment abt how the system is now flexible, all your opinions will get heard AND the barrier between the community and school should be broken down..........so stupid old me thinking that i have a pretty strong case took the mic during the Q and A session and said

"since its been said that the barrier beterrn the community and the school should be broken down and govt policies made at top level should be included in schools....there has been an increasing emphasis on the arts in singapore lately especially with the opening of the esplanade (which ironically was on the same day as the talk) and the establishment of the theatre in education program...the need for theatre administrators and teachers should be on the rise....my friends and i have been interested in reading theatre as a major in UK and coming back under this scholarship to develop theatre as an educational tool in our education system...therefore i am requesting if it is possible to add theatre studies as one of the readable subjects in the scholarship option..."

i was all hyped up and everything when the the panel looked at me blankly and some parent behind me sniggered and said "oh please...theatre..." finally one frigid- case- bitch- personified recovered from her shock that yes theatre studies does exist and said in her im -old-enough-to-teach-u-abt-sex-alt-i-never-done-it-in-my-life-voice " u see...we just fit the teachers to the vacancies avaliable....right now we dun see the need for theatre teachers so we cant allow u to study theatre....why don't u study lit and use drama to teach it....oh english huh... education is a bread and butter business....we teach kids what will prepare them for life....life skills....like english and maths.....anyway before u study a subject u have to consider the future viability of it.....u can learn theatre by joining a theatre group...as a cca.....hmm......." i was seething at the edge of my seat smiling and nodding like im EXPECTED to bow down to her for her God given advice when in reality i was defacing the moe leaflet with my hands.......her underlying meaning is basically that w a theatre degree i make no contribution to society......all this talk abt passion and they are asking to me to compromise on my passion.......i was almost abt to scream " Up yours u chair screwing bitch......i learnt more abt life skills in my two years as a theatre students then i ever did calcalus and a maths and why copper sulphate is blue blah blah blah..............and for goodness sake...THEATRE IS NOT A BLOODY HOBBY!!!! READING THEATRE IS AS IMPORTANT AS READING LAW OR ANYTHING ELSE!!! IT NEEDS TIME, BRAINS AND COMMITTMENT AND IT IS AS ACADEMIC AS ANY OTHER HUMANITIES SUBJECT SO YES IN ORDER FOR ME TO PROFESSIONALLY TEACH THEATRE I BLOODY NEED A THEATRE DEGREE!!!!!!" of course i continued smiling as i imagine how she'll look like while salt crystallisation takes place in her head........this is completely absurb.....this whole bloody structure does not make sense....why do i have to start off as a teacher huh.......why cant i straight a way go into theatre planning esp since there is only one school officially taking theatre....why cant i teach theatre to teachers instead of students so that they can use it as a tool to teach students.....i had so much dreams and visions for the next gen......a gen of kids all confident and articulate and expressive even before they learn algebra and trigo.....isn;t that a life skill...isn't being articulate a basic lifeskill that ALL should possess......cant i administer drama as a form of counselling and therapy for the depress or way ward kids......think of our clown workshop and the things we discovered abt ourselves...imagine kids being able to find out abt themselves that way...the suicide rate and gang involvement rate and eating disorder rate will drop drastically......i had that passion to do something to change something cuz i believe that its no point complaining if we cant change lives.........BUT NOOOOO.....they had to bloody shatter my passion...my dreams......all the time i spent imagine a bunch of kids whose lives change after being involved in theatre.........the role of theatre as a necessary part in our education system.......all doen the drain...shattered in that one no......No...there was no let me think abt it.....or even the hypocritical i'l write this down..........a plain BIG FAT NO........yeah man....talk abt flexibility....talk abt democracy....expression.......complain abt why we lack creativity..passion.......why we lack Entrepreneurs...why we are so competitve so self absorbed.....ask why isn;t our art scene flourishing why we are so selfish and kiasu........why?????? this is why.......i'v got my answer........i have always been idealistic.......a hybrid of idealism and pragmatism.........but after that sat im just disillusioned......before that i can honestly say that i like singapore.....and i still do...i can see the trade offs of our system.......just a small dot crammed with sky scrapers....just a small dot but enough to be one of the top few world economies......such a short history yet we have a pretty astounding GDP an abundance of food and prosperity.....without singapore..without her leaders i wouldn have a computer to be on now.....i wouldn be in school.......i would never have the chance to learn abt the Bakkhai or Lear(im assuming iv been born in the slums of mozambique la).........i have the faith in our police force to go out clubbing at midnight and come home at three, faith in our military to see a flying jet and think its just national day parade rehearsal...faith in our economic system that i can put my money in the bank and wake up not worrying abt breakfast or lunch......alt we say religious harmony doesnt exist its only religious tolerance...that fact that i can prepare for church side by side with shah who is praying says alot.....it wouldn exist in many parts of the world........i see our successes and i know that the country has done so much more for me than i have done for it........BUT i can see the downsides of the system and a country cannot continue progressing whilst using the method of success they used before....this is a generation of ppl who are discontent.....bred out of a silver spoon we look beyond income and necessity to ask are all these making me happy.....is it real or are we paying lip service to what we think is internationally politically correct.......i am discontented with the way certain things are ran and i do not want this system to dull my idealism......to compromise on my passion for economic vitality.......i do not want to reach forty and be stuck in the middle of a structure too powerful to not say anything yet not at all powerful to make a change....to make a decision......stuck in the middle like thousands of middle aged singaporeans are today.......just waiting for the year end bonus.....counting how much tax rebate i get if i have a third child....laughing at how stupid i was to have ever wanted to study theatre when i was 18.....laughing at idealism as just an empty dream........don't get me wrong......i dun hate this place and i doubt i'll ever migrate... as funny as that sounds i still touch down at changi airport with affection for our little grids and square........at national day last year as a cheerleader i teared when we sang the national day song because all these talks abt singaporeans being quitters...its not true...ppl queue up to get in...ppl cheer when they see our president and ministers....everyone sang the national anthem and the pledge rang loud and clear...that wasnt the result of artificial human intervention...the feelings were real...... i love my nation because i was born a singaporean and i have been put here for a purpose.....but i cannot cope or continue to live my life in this system where im just a statistic fitted into where im needed......no views.....no hope.......no ideals.....just another person in another toyota crossing the PIE every morning and waiting in line in the jam at seven in the evening...wondering wats at the other end.......wondering if my existance as a singaporean makes sense. or if my existance even matters. i wan to do something that will change something...i want to do somthing that i like and i love and will contribute to ppl.....and i hope that i can be given this chance to do that and not to juz go with wat everyone thinks is economically viable......ahhhh bummer....!!